Weigh in *sigh*

So the good news, I'm at least back to the weight I was at before the dreaded period.
But, still.

I guess there really is no bad news. I think I was just hoping for better good news. But, I remain undaunted and WILL be posting a two pound loss for next week. Oh yes, I will.

Did you just love Karen's post yesterday? I did. It's so nice to hear that being positive about ourselves can help us achieve our goals. Notice that she didn't wait for the weight to come off in order to talk kindly to herself and appreciate herself. She was good to herself and the weight loss followed. So thank you Karen.

So did you think over my question? About why we/you/me are doing this? Why we are trying to change or what we hope to achieve?

I was nervous about my answer. I knew that my biggest reason was so that I would feel comfortable in my own skin. This is not a normal weight for me, and I hate it. It feels all wrong, I don't know how to dress for it and I get uncomfortable in social settings or even going to the grocery store because I'm never confident that I have done a good job in making myself look very good.

Because I don't want to look like a slob, even if I feel like one.

But my epiphany came as I was standing in line at home depot, buying spray paint. I got in the line of a cute young male checker. Not because he was a cute young male, but because it was the shortest line. As I stood there waiting, I started to fidget and feel nervous. I knew my hair was a mess, I had on painting clothes that were not flattering, and with no makeup I felt like every flaw was highly pronounced.

Now, just to let you know, I honestly and truly don't care one whit about any other man on the planet. I love my husband in almost a crazy way. I can't be with him enough, I can't get enough of him for the most part and he is my favorite person ever. So why, I asked myself, did I care at all what I looked like for this young, cute checker at Home Depot?

Well, the answer hit me out of the blue. It's because I didn't want him to look at me and think I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for him, not good enough to exist, whatever. I hated the thought that he may look at me and think, old, fat, unattractive. But then, wait for it, it gets deeper. I realized, it really wasn't him whose opinion I was afraid of.

It was my own.

Because there has been a time in the past 5 years where I was 50 pounds thinner, and I would have walked up to that cash register and not cared at all what he thought. You know why? Because I liked myself, and I didn't care whether he did or not. In fact I probably would have stood there thinking, it doesn't matter what checker boy thinks cuz only one man is good enough for me and I'm already married to him.

So I stood there with all of this realization coming crashing down on me. Knowing that I was the one who didn't think I was good enough. And that even if for some reason he was salivating over this chubby mom of six, it wouldn't have changed my opinion of myself.

So then I dug even deeper and realized that the whole world could tell me I'm beautiful, whether chubby or thin, and I will only be happy when I believe it myself. And that seeking after the admiration of others will never satisfy what is missing for me. AND that once I believe about myself that I have worth, value and beauty, then I won't need the accolades of others.

To think, this whole deep thought process happened in the checkout line at Home Depot.

Of course, I rushed out of there trying not to cry, thinking of all the work I have to do not just physically, but mentally. But knowing is half the battle they say.

So now I have to know, if I found out I had some disease that made it impossible to lose weight and that I was stuck at 201 for the rest of my life, would that mean I would never love myself enough or see my own beauty? I want the answer to be no.

You see how it all goes together? While we need to love ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and feel our best, we cannot wait to feel our best and have the body we want before we love ourselves. They have to go hand in hand.

Right now my want to be thin self is rushing ahead of the loving myself-self. And so they are having a hard time holding hands. But loving myself-self will catch up. I'll give her a little extra protein for breakfast and hopefully, in no time, maybe she'll be the one in the lead.