Welcome

If you are reading this then you are curious. Curious to find more out about Keeping the Monster in the Cave.

What is the Monster?

It is the insecurity, the despair, the wallowing in self pity, the battle with the scale, the feelings of worthlessness that can come from letting the value we and others place on outward appearance garner more time and attention than it deserves.

And more than anything, we want that Monster to STAY in the cave. To not come out and show it's ugly head. It's like the Monster lurks around waiting for times of vulnerability to show itself and destroy our happiness. And I want the monster to stay in the cave, to never emerge again, to leave me and all of you, alone, to eventually die there and have it's ashes blown away, forgotten.

Now, that being said, I feel strongly that it is important to be healthy, to take care of the bodies that Heavenly Father gives us. But not to the point where our sole happiness depends on a certain number or a size. I want to run and not be weary, walk and not faint. I want to end and begin the day without back and foot pain from carrying too much weight around. That is my ultimate physical goal. My mental goal is to find contentment with myself no matter what the scale says.

This scares me. I really and truly want to only care about my health. I want to believe that's all that matters. But I may take some convincing.

I have struggled with this my whole life. My first memory associated around weight occured when I was 11 years old. I had walked into the Real Estate Agency that my parents owned and plopped myself down on a stool in the back kitchen, excited to talk to a lady that shared the building with my parents. I adored this woman. She was fun to talk to, super sassy, and I felt she was my friend. But the first thing out of her mouth was "Hi thunder thighs".

Now, as an 11 year old kid, I had never in my life looked at my thighs and thought they were big, or thunderous.

I just looked down at them when she said that and thought "DO I have thunder thighs? Sam seems to think I do, so I must, right?"

Sad.

I'm sure in her twisted way, she was just "helping" me by bringing attention to what I obviously hadn't noticed on my own.

But I have learned, people don't grow from criticism. They shrink and hide and hope to not be noticed.

So this blog, Keeping the Monster in the Cave, will be a place free from any sort of criticism.

A place where encouragement is key and support for eachother is vital.

It will be a place where you can read about my struggles and efforts to lose the weight that my last two beautiful babies gave me. Where you can comment and not be judged.

I will be completely honest with you, and myself in the process. And I hope you will share your thoughts, stories, triumphs and sorrows with me. Whether you have lots of weight to lose, just a few pounds, or you have to gain weight, you will be safe here.

It will start with a post tomorrow with my REAL weight and measurements. Not my Driver's license weight, and not the measurements that I arrived at while sucking in.

No, you will get my real measurements. Scary for me, but necessary if I want to be able to track my progress towards a healthier me.

Because if I'm going to prove to myself that weight is really just a number, and not something to hate myself for, then I need to not be afraid to share it with others.

Other people may judge me, call me fat. That's fine. I'm not here, on this earth, for them, the people who only see value in bodily perfection and forget the whole person in the process.

So will you join me on my quest for enlightenment? Get it? Sorry.

Ahem.

Anyway, I hope so. Cuz I am not too proud to admit, that I need the encouragement, that I need the collective wealth of knowledge that I know exists out there amongst my readers.

I need you my friends to cheer me on as with helmet in place, with sword in hand (name that song) I fight the Monster in the Cave, and win.