Looking Around And Finding It All Right Here

A few years back, when I was once again lamenting about my pudgy self, a dear friend suggested that I try positive affirmations. When I finished rolling my eyes, she told me that it had done wonders for her and that she now finds herself really believing and fully engaged in the things she tells herself.

I rolled my eyes again.

And then later, when I was still walking around in a body that was housing an extra 60+ pounds, I decided to give it a try.

"I am better than this."

"I deserve to feel good in my own skin."

"I am more than the number on the scale or the size of my jeans."

Here's the thing: in the beginning, I didn't believe a word I said. Not one word. But I was at the end of my rope and beyond frustrated with myself and was desperate for anything that might help me. So I carried on.

"My children deserve a mom who loves herself."

"The numbers aren't nearly as important as how I feel."

"The woman my husband married is in here somewhere and he deserves to see her again."

Slowly, and do I mean slowly, something in my mind began to change. Something shifted and I began to see myself differently. I started to believe the things I was saying day in and day out and the more I believed, the better I felt.

And the weight started to come off.

As a person who had always been physically fit, finding myself in a body I no longer recognized was traumatic for me. I hated it. I hated how I felt. I hated how I looked. I hated the show I put on for others in hopes of masking how I was really feeling. I hated that my children couldn't look to me to learn a healthy lifestyle. I hated all of it and for quite awhile, being heavy kept me from doing many things that I usually loved to do. I didn't go shopping. I often skipped out on Girl's Night. I withdrew from my husband. I cowered in front of my children. I began to fold into myself in hopes of disappearing from all the eyes I assumed were looking at me in judgment. Looking back, I realize that all of this was self-imposed but at the time, I didn't know what to do and I became a person almost unrecognizable.

For awhile, I tried to justify my weight and convince myself that I was ok with my physical self. I had seen people around me who were living a happy life despite being "thin" and I desperately wanted to be at peace with myself. I thought I could be that chubby girl who still had style and confidence but I couldn't. I wasn't that girl. I wasn't ok with what I saw in the mirror. I wanted to change, and by telling myself I was worthy of the time and effort it would take, I began to believe it.

And so I changed.

And these are the things that I remind myself of, each and every day. When I step on the scale and see a number that isn't exactly what I want it to be, I find myself standing there, quietly repeating the words that led me to a healthier me.

I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I am a friend to some remarkable women. I am a cook who loves to open her home. I am an avid reader. I am ready to see the world and experience it all. I am selfless. I am confident in my abilities. I have wisdom and experiences that I want to share with others. I am strong. I am capable.

I am more than a number on a scale.

I am me.