Weigh in *sigh*

So the good news, I'm at least back to the weight I was at before the dreaded period.
But, still.

I guess there really is no bad news. I think I was just hoping for better good news. But, I remain undaunted and WILL be posting a two pound loss for next week. Oh yes, I will.

Did you just love Karen's post yesterday? I did. It's so nice to hear that being positive about ourselves can help us achieve our goals. Notice that she didn't wait for the weight to come off in order to talk kindly to herself and appreciate herself. She was good to herself and the weight loss followed. So thank you Karen.

So did you think over my question? About why we/you/me are doing this? Why we are trying to change or what we hope to achieve?

I was nervous about my answer. I knew that my biggest reason was so that I would feel comfortable in my own skin. This is not a normal weight for me, and I hate it. It feels all wrong, I don't know how to dress for it and I get uncomfortable in social settings or even going to the grocery store because I'm never confident that I have done a good job in making myself look very good.

Because I don't want to look like a slob, even if I feel like one.

But my epiphany came as I was standing in line at home depot, buying spray paint. I got in the line of a cute young male checker. Not because he was a cute young male, but because it was the shortest line. As I stood there waiting, I started to fidget and feel nervous. I knew my hair was a mess, I had on painting clothes that were not flattering, and with no makeup I felt like every flaw was highly pronounced.

Now, just to let you know, I honestly and truly don't care one whit about any other man on the planet. I love my husband in almost a crazy way. I can't be with him enough, I can't get enough of him for the most part and he is my favorite person ever. So why, I asked myself, did I care at all what I looked like for this young, cute checker at Home Depot?

Well, the answer hit me out of the blue. It's because I didn't want him to look at me and think I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for him, not good enough to exist, whatever. I hated the thought that he may look at me and think, old, fat, unattractive. But then, wait for it, it gets deeper. I realized, it really wasn't him whose opinion I was afraid of.

It was my own.

Because there has been a time in the past 5 years where I was 50 pounds thinner, and I would have walked up to that cash register and not cared at all what he thought. You know why? Because I liked myself, and I didn't care whether he did or not. In fact I probably would have stood there thinking, it doesn't matter what checker boy thinks cuz only one man is good enough for me and I'm already married to him.

So I stood there with all of this realization coming crashing down on me. Knowing that I was the one who didn't think I was good enough. And that even if for some reason he was salivating over this chubby mom of six, it wouldn't have changed my opinion of myself.

So then I dug even deeper and realized that the whole world could tell me I'm beautiful, whether chubby or thin, and I will only be happy when I believe it myself. And that seeking after the admiration of others will never satisfy what is missing for me. AND that once I believe about myself that I have worth, value and beauty, then I won't need the accolades of others.

To think, this whole deep thought process happened in the checkout line at Home Depot.

Of course, I rushed out of there trying not to cry, thinking of all the work I have to do not just physically, but mentally. But knowing is half the battle they say.

So now I have to know, if I found out I had some disease that made it impossible to lose weight and that I was stuck at 201 for the rest of my life, would that mean I would never love myself enough or see my own beauty? I want the answer to be no.

You see how it all goes together? While we need to love ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and feel our best, we cannot wait to feel our best and have the body we want before we love ourselves. They have to go hand in hand.

Right now my want to be thin self is rushing ahead of the loving myself-self. And so they are having a hard time holding hands. But loving myself-self will catch up. I'll give her a little extra protein for breakfast and hopefully, in no time, maybe she'll be the one in the lead.

Looking Around And Finding It All Right Here

A few years back, when I was once again lamenting about my pudgy self, a dear friend suggested that I try positive affirmations. When I finished rolling my eyes, she told me that it had done wonders for her and that she now finds herself really believing and fully engaged in the things she tells herself.

I rolled my eyes again.

And then later, when I was still walking around in a body that was housing an extra 60+ pounds, I decided to give it a try.

"I am better than this."

"I deserve to feel good in my own skin."

"I am more than the number on the scale or the size of my jeans."

Here's the thing: in the beginning, I didn't believe a word I said. Not one word. But I was at the end of my rope and beyond frustrated with myself and was desperate for anything that might help me. So I carried on.

"My children deserve a mom who loves herself."

"The numbers aren't nearly as important as how I feel."

"The woman my husband married is in here somewhere and he deserves to see her again."

Slowly, and do I mean slowly, something in my mind began to change. Something shifted and I began to see myself differently. I started to believe the things I was saying day in and day out and the more I believed, the better I felt.

And the weight started to come off.

As a person who had always been physically fit, finding myself in a body I no longer recognized was traumatic for me. I hated it. I hated how I felt. I hated how I looked. I hated the show I put on for others in hopes of masking how I was really feeling. I hated that my children couldn't look to me to learn a healthy lifestyle. I hated all of it and for quite awhile, being heavy kept me from doing many things that I usually loved to do. I didn't go shopping. I often skipped out on Girl's Night. I withdrew from my husband. I cowered in front of my children. I began to fold into myself in hopes of disappearing from all the eyes I assumed were looking at me in judgment. Looking back, I realize that all of this was self-imposed but at the time, I didn't know what to do and I became a person almost unrecognizable.

For awhile, I tried to justify my weight and convince myself that I was ok with my physical self. I had seen people around me who were living a happy life despite being "thin" and I desperately wanted to be at peace with myself. I thought I could be that chubby girl who still had style and confidence but I couldn't. I wasn't that girl. I wasn't ok with what I saw in the mirror. I wanted to change, and by telling myself I was worthy of the time and effort it would take, I began to believe it.

And so I changed.

And these are the things that I remind myself of, each and every day. When I step on the scale and see a number that isn't exactly what I want it to be, I find myself standing there, quietly repeating the words that led me to a healthier me.

I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I am a friend to some remarkable women. I am a cook who loves to open her home. I am an avid reader. I am ready to see the world and experience it all. I am selfless. I am confident in my abilities. I have wisdom and experiences that I want to share with others. I am strong. I am capable.

I am more than a number on a scale.

I am me.

Finding answers

I sat pondering today, the way we as women feel about our bodies. About all that we put ourselves through to look good. Numerous weight loss efforts, surgeries, hair dying, manicures, pedicures, tanning, product after product and of course, clothes.


I've heard different people describe it different ways, the reasons we go through all of this that is.


I've heard it's really for other woman, that we want to look good for eachother. And I think that's true.


Others do it to look good for men, to feel wanted by them, to gain their sense of worth from them.


And of course we all do it for ourselves as well. So that when we look in the mirror, or run up the stairs, we can feel good about ourselves.


These all make sense to me in differing degrees. But one of these reasons makes me sad.


Looking good for men is not a bad thing, it's normal to preen and make efforts to look good for the opposite sex, to attract eachother in the hopes of finding a suitable mate. (I think I have seen too many nature shows).


But the sadness comes from the knowledge that there are women whose seem to live and breathe for this attention. They could be married or single, it doesn't matter. The need for admiration is so strong, that perhaps a sense of who they would be without it, gets lost.

I know that I have fallen into this trap. The desire (it has rarely been fulfilled) to feel admired. But without that admiration, am I any less, is my worth entirely dependant on it? No.

And as I watch styles become more and more tight and exposing, where less and less is left to the imagination, I can't help but think of a line in a song, by my favorite band of all time. Toad the Wet Sprocket, or just Toad if you are a true fan. The line goes "and the more skin, she shared, the more that the air in her throat would linger when she called him her friend".

I hope that line is pretty self explanatory.

This is mostly a lead in for a post that Karen is working on. But I just wanted to encourage an evaluation of why you want to make changes. Who is it for? Will you feel your worth rise exponentially as you weight goes down? Or will it be so that you can walk up those stairs without being winded, or be able to wear pants without an elastic waistband, or feel more comfortable going to the pool with the kids?

And I promise, I am not attacking looking good. I just want to bring in some discussion on why we do it. What makes it worth it, what the long term goal is. Ponder it, be honest with yourselves. That honesty doesn't mean you will be upset by the answer, it just means you know who you are, and are aware of why you are making these changes.

Personally, I'm a little nervous. I try to do a fair amount of introspection, but some things I gloss right over cuz I don't even want to admit the truth to myself. But I will share the truth with you on Monday, after I figure out what that truth is. Good luck to all of you. And remember, there are no wrong answers.

And be looking for Karen's post next week. I'm sure it will be worth the wait. (no pressure Karen:)

First of all, I am sorry about yesterday. I promised a positive attitude, not a whiny one on this blog. I forgot myself for a moment and I'll try not to let it happen again. Thank you for the kind comments. It honestly helped and I am over it. Promise.

So after yesterday's depressing scale numbers, I really had to dig deep inside of me to not eat emotionally. I literally was not hungry, but I wanted a bowl of cereal. For no other reason than to comfort myself. And if I had given in, it wouldn't have stopped there. Chocolate covered granola bars would have been next and the whole thing would have snowballed out of control in no time. It was hard.

But I told myself (not outloud, it would just confirm to people I'm crazy) that my body didn't even want it, just my mind did. So I left the house with the 3 little ones in tow, and went and washed and cleaned out the car. It got my mind off of it for a little bit.

When we got back, I forced myself to eat a turkey burger, no bun, and a berry protein shake.

And you know what? I felt better. I really did.

The depression that had weighed on me all morning lifted, and I felt a rush of energy to get things done around the house.

I think that when I chose to nourish my body with good food, and to soothe my mind by staying busy and thinking of other things, that I overcame the despair that I felt this morning.

It also helped to have encouraging comments, thanks ladies!

So now that I am over my pity party, and staying positive that the water weight will be off next week, I will discuss, as promised, my favorite way to eat.

It's the Clean Eating Diet by Tosca Reno. She is a trainer, body builder who at the age of 40 went from being 80 pounds overweight, out of shape and unhealthy, to a cover girl for Oxygen magazine. The basic premise of eating clean is to clean out all the processed, sugary, and lacking in fiber foods from your diet. You eat all the lean meats you want, all the veggies and fruits you want, and then beans, brown rice, sweet potatoes, and whole grain breads and pastas make up the rest of it. She discusses having treats about once a month (you can probably sneak it in there once a week and be fine, she is SUPER disciplined) and she includes some great dessert recipes.

What I like about this is that I don't have to count any calories. I ate whatever I wanted from the list of all the good foods, and I never felt hungry. Honest. The first week was hard with no sweets, but I got to the point where an apple with natural peanut butter would satisfy a sweet craving. And I lost 13 pounds in 6 weeks doing this. Then I got pregnant, of course.

I stopped feeling depressed at all as my blood sugar leveled out, I had less aches and pains and I had a ton more energy. No more naps in the afternoon.

It can be hard at first, especially if you eat sweets when you're depressed, but really, my depression almost completely disappeared.

So this is now my go to way of eating. And this is the lifestyle I have chosen to adopt as my own. It is possible to feel completely satisfied, and I really feel so much better physically and mentally. I went to a party this weekend and there were cookies and brownies and chips. And I had none of it. I wanted it, I would be lying if I said otherwise, but when I wanted something sweet I had some strawberries. And the sweet craving went away.

Now would it have been bad to have a cookie or a brownie? Of course not. Moderation is key. But this is just what works best for me. Balaned meals of quality protein and complex carbs does something for my body that no other way of eating does. I lose weight faster, I am never hungry and I feel great.

And I have learned to have treats that aren't as bad for me. A crustless sugar free pumpkin pie is my favorite. You could eat a whole pie and still be fine. I have a cookie recipe that uses white beans instead of butter, and applesauce to replace some of the sugar, and even my kids like them. So there are other ways to have dessert.

If this all seems overwhelming, I apologize. I just know that this is probably the most attainable long term solution for me. I feel good on it. I never feel hungry, ever. I swear I'm not making it up. And it's easy to jump back on if I have an off day, or a treat.

So that's it. I do like hearing what works for others. So if you would like to share, lets hear it!

Weigh in

So I am sitting here in tears. Completely overwhelmed by the scale this morning.

And not in a good way.

I am up 3 pounds this week. Isn't that awesome?

I almost refused to post this. But I am keeping my promise of honesty. And I'm trying to be normal about it. Is there such a thing as normal weight loss/weight issues?

Now I'm trying to break it all down logically. Or rationalize it. So here goes.

Every month I have a visitor. Which, if you are female, you do too.

For me, this visitor brings with it about 5 pounds in water retention. This visitor doesn't care that I ate super good all week. The visitor doesn't care that I stayed away from sugar and simple carbohydrates. The visitor just comes and goes, leaving 5 pounds in her wake.

So that's my first problem. My visitor will be here any day now. The second problem is this stupid ankle. The ankle that is still swollen and in pain. The ankle that will allow no exercise at all. Does anyone know of any cardio that doesn't require feet? And don't say swimming, I don't swim.

So that is my hope. Because logically it doesn't make sense for me to have gained 3 pounds with the way I've been eating. Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating when I say that everything has been above reproach. So it has to be water. And I am hoping beyond hope that next week reflects the water content in my body going back to normal.

I was going to talk about my favorite way of eating today. But honestly, I am so disheartened right now that I no longer feel like it. I will save that for tomorrow. Is that ok?

Because even though I know that none of this makes sense, and that my body will right itself after my period is over, I still can't help but be depressed, you know?

But amazingly, I don't feel like downing a carton of ice cream or eating my weight in chocolate. So at least that is a good thing. And right now I need anything positive to get me through the week.

Signing off.

Coming clean

I want to be upfront with you all.

I AM A DIET JUNKIE. There, I said it.

Yes, I get excited, shaky, nervous, happy over a new diet plan that will be what "finally" works.

And I have tried everything. Well, at least everything that still feels relatively normal. For instance I have not drank my own pee.

Yes, people do that.

But I have purchased a lot of books, joined a few online weight loss places, and tried a fad or two, or three. I lost count.

But I want that behind me. I want how I eat to be a lifestyle. Not a temporary fix that I won't be able to live with long term. But a change in lifestyle that will aid me in being healthy for the long run.

So I am going to tell you every diet I have ever been on, in full disclosure. It's kind of my way of purging the old ideas, the quick fix mentality, and embracing the concept of making small changes that lead to big health improvements. I will also tell you which of these I felt was the closest to a long term solution, and I will break them down into categories.

Ready? Oh, wait, I'm nervous. This is really kind of embarassing you know. But, we're here for eachother, right? Ok.

Books I bought:

South Beach Diet-good success on this-it contributed to the 46 pounds I lost after Anne Marie was born.

The 5 factor Plan-this and body for life are essentially the same principles. Eat 5-6 meals a day consisting of equal parts carb and proteins.

Body for Life-good success on this as well, back when I knew nothing about how our bodies work and what types of food are good for us. It taught me a lot.

Biggest Loser Diet-bought the book, never read it. Anyone want it?

Clean Eating-Probably the best in the bunch, the one I keep going back to. I will discuss this one more later.

Some Jillian Michaels book (I forgot the name)

Some Suzanne Somers diet where you're not supposed to mix your foods. That was weird.


Online diets:

Calorie King(I lost 20 pounds through them after Charlie was born)

Ediets-I lost 38 pounds using Ediets after Julia was born

Weight Watchers online


Fad diets:

The grapefruit diet
HcG
The cabbage soup diet

Diet aids:

Phen Fen(The diet center I went to gave me this even though I was only 15 pounds overweight, crazy, crazy. This worked great, but it damaged the heart valves in some people. Scary.)

The diet patch-Total crock. And I knew that, but I bought it anyway.
Meridia

Phentermine

Xenadrine with Ephedra, before ephedra was banned.

Xenical before it was Alli

Walk in type places-

Weight watchers(4 times I signed up)-I'll talk more about this one too.
Jenny Craig-I could afford exactly one week of food. So that was lame.


So, that is my list of shame. I am pretty sure there is more, but I can't remember them all.

Now, the one's I had the most success on were the ones that were based in reality. I'm not even going to discuss the diet aids because I don't believe those are long term solutions. They can be helpful if you really need a kickstart, but they are expensive, many do not work long term simply because your body becomes accustomed to them, and you still have to do the work.


The fad diets are just that, fads. They may work and help people lose weight, but they are not a long term solution and unless you have learned to change the entire way you eat, you will gain the weight back when the diet is over. I have know a lot of people who have done HcG and less than a handful of them kept the weight off. Plus, it is sooo hard and I'm still not convinced it doesn't hurt your metabolism. Just my opinion. I know a few people who LOVE it. Not the diet, but the results.

Now onto the things that worked.

Ediets worked for me at the time. I wanted something structured, and for a very low monthly fee they created meal plans, shopping lists and such. So I knew exactly what to eat, and how much to eat. I really liked it.

Calorie king was also good because it was free at the time, which I liked, and I could keep a running tally of my calories.

Weight watchers has a wonderful premise. The eating plan is smart, totally flexible and it works with your life. My only problems were the $40 a month I was paying to basically have someone weigh me. And I feel like Jeff and I don't see eachother enough as it is, so I began to not want to go to my meetings at night. But I really believe that it is an excellent way to lose weight.

Now my favorite, what works best for me, is Clean eating, which I will discuss more in depth tomorrow.

This list shows something very sinister, in my mind, about the diet industry.
Every year billions of dollars are made off of people wanting to look and feel better. And sadly most of it is full of crap, literally and figuratively. Pills, books and diets all with the goal of more money in their pockets. I believe there are people who truly want to help others get healthy. But I think a good policy about diet pills, gizmos and gimmicks is that if it sounds too good to be true, then it is. Nothing can replace good old fashioned hard work and determination.

Please, take it from someone who has fallen for the promises over and over again. Only to find that the only thing to really work is my own efforts. Anyone selling something that claims it will be easy, well, they probably have a bridge somewhere they would like to sell you too.

And if I could have back all the money I have spent on trying to lose weight, well, I could probably buy that bridge.

Now there will always be a part of me, that no matter how much I know hard work is the only answer, there is still a part of me that wants all that other junk to work. I had to talk myself out of buying Sensa. This weird little powder you sprinkle on your food to desensitize your nose or something. I have to force myself to walk past the weightloss aisle at the store, knowing full well that most everything is a crock. So I still struggle to accept the reality of learning to make smart changes in my diet instead of finding quick fixes.

So are you still there? Have you left crazy land behind yet? Thanks for sticking around if you have. Eventually I will discuss where all this weirdness came from, but not quite yet. I mean, we barely know eachother. I can't walk around, mentally nude, in front of you yet. Waaaay too embarassing. Lets see where our relationship goes, k?

For Tomorrow: Eating clean

Setbacks

It is gloriously beautiful today. Sun is shining, it's supposed to be in the mid to upper sixties. A PERFECT day to put the kids in the stroller and go on a walk. Or to get an early morning run in.

But guess what?

I can't. Why? Because I'm sitting here with my left ankle all taped up. Crutches by my side.

Yes, I sprained my ankle. I sprained it good.

I was running with 2 friends last night around our neighborhood. My next door neighbor came out of her house and while I was goofily waving and saying hi, I stepped on a good sized little rock and down I went.

Ridiculous. I can't even seem to run and talk at the same time.

My ankle swelled to the size of a small grapefruit and I really thought I was going to throw up from the pain. But luckily it happened right in front of my house so that Jeff could come out and give me aid. He is so chivalrous, let me tell you. That man has had to carry me, help me, watch over me so much with sprained ankles, feet, back problems. He is a saint. And I love him.


So here I am. 7 weeks til my first event. The one where I will need to run 12 miles.

You think it will happen? Neither do I.

My first instinct at times like these is sit on the couch and eat donuts. Which is exactly what I did after I sprained my foot in January. And which is exactly why I gained the 10 pounds back.

So I have a different perspective this time. This doesn't have to derail me. I can still eat well, and I will probably be back to speed walking within a week or two. I know from past experience (I have sprained this ankle twice before) that I will not be running for a while.

But I can walk. And lift weights and do pushups and crunches and all sorts of other exercises that will help me to be fit and get healthy.

Am I disappointed? You betcha. I sat and bawled for a good half an hour last night with my friends and family helplessly looking on.

Does this change my future plans? It sure does.

But I will not be defeated. Oh no. I refuse to let this change my goals or to kick me in the rearend mentally.

So I will be a good girl and keep my foot elevated, ice it and take anti-inflammatories. And then, when I can walk on it with no pain, I will be back at it.

You can count on it.

Of Allergies and Men

I hesitate to write this post. Simply because I don't want to sound like I am complaining or whining. While I may be known to do both of those things in my everyday life, occasionally, I really want this blog to be a positive place. But also a place to share our struggles. So today I am going to share a struggle of mine, while trying to be positive. OK?

Thanks.

When I married Jeff, I knew that he was allergic to chicken and turkey. Like, will die kind of allergic. You don't hear of too many chicken related deaths, but oh yeah, it's possible.

I signed on knowing that cooking for him would be a new adventure. I only ate chicken and turkey. And here I was planning all my meals around beef and pork.

We've gotten used to it though, and from time to time I will make a separate chicken meal for me and the kids, but they actually don't like chicken much after years of hardly eating it.

It's surprising what chicken dishes you can still make but substitute pork. So I never really felt like we were missing out on a ton. Perhaps we suffered from a lack of huge variety, since to add a lot of variety to beef and pork it can get expensive. But we were fine for years.

Then we learned some new things about the freakishness of my husband's body. On top of the weird chicken and turkey allergy, we learned that he has an autoimmune disease called ankylosing spondylitis. Don't try and pronounce it, it will make your tongue hurt.

In his case, this is an inherited autoimmune disease. His father and one of his sister's have it also.
We knew that he would face certain hurdles with it, as it has a tendency to cause a lot of pain in the joints and can eventually fuse your spine together in worst cases.

What we didn't know was that there was a way to make it better. Not get rid of it, since there is no cure, but a way to alleviate some of his constant, chronic pain. It came in the form of a diet.

Jeff's sister discovered a book about AS and starch. She began to experiment and passed the info onto Jeff.

Well, both fortunately, and unfortunately (for me) this diet worked for them.

By eliminating starch from their diets, the inflammation that causes the pain, reduce dramatically.

But this now meant no potatoes, no bread, no rice, no pasta, no corn, peas or beans. Nothing carbohydrate related at all.

So now, I have a husband who can't eat chicken, turkey or anything cheap or easy. It's meat, dairy and veggies for us.

So, along with trying to curb my own appetite for tasty carbs, sugar and fat, throw in the challenge of cooking for this family. No chicken and potatoes for us.

So although probably healthier, it just became a chore to cook and still have just one meal for the whole family to enjoy. It's become easier, and he feels so much better, so all around I'm grateful.

But then, oh yes, there is a but then, I found out I have a corn allergy. Yup, allergic to corn.
It explained the years of being able to read complete novels in the bathroom. I'll just leave it at that.

And while it didn't really affect how I made dinners, since corn was already on the do not make list, it has added quiet an interesting twist to the things I can eat.

For instance, my go to snack food in the evening, especially when I am trying to lose weight, has always been popcorn. It's low in calories, it's tasty and you can eat a ton of it. No more.

And did you know that corn and it's by products are in everything? Yes, everything.

I honestly don't know why, and it really doesn't matter why we have this as a challenge in our household. It is our challenge and we do our best. I know it's hard for Jeff to smell my homemade bread and not be able to eat it. And it's tough for me to go to the movies and not be able to have popcorn or most of the candy selection.

But you know what? So what.

There are much bigger challenges in life. There are people who suffer in ways I can't imagine.
So I will take our itty bitty food difficulties and run with it.

Cuz you know what?

I carried and gave birth to six babies. What's a little food allergy when compared to that?

Oh, and in case you have some really great starch free, chicken, turkey and corn free recipes, would you kindly pass them along to me? Thank you very much.

And when you're eating your lovely grilled chicken with lemony sauce, mushroom risotto and garlic bread, will you think of me?

I would appreciate it.

You Better Like Me :-)

Okay, here goes. I am supposed to introduce myself. I hate doing that. I would much rather someone else introduce me. So, if I must, I must. My name is Maile Flanders. I am Amy’s one and only sister. She is older. (Ha!) She is awesome. She is my best friend, my therapist, and my twin in many ways.

I am a 34 year-old married mother of four. I am a stay-at-home mom but I am also in school full time. Life is busy. You should see my laundry pile. Ahem.. Anyway, my battle with weight began when I was in sixth grade. I started noticing bulges where there shouldn’t be. I began wearing loose fitting clothes and long t-shirts. Wasn’t a good look. It has progressed from there. I have had my ups and downs.

Sometimes I feel like I tricked my husband because I was at my lowest weight when I met him. He is an awesome guy though and has never ever said a word. I used to exercise, a lot. I loved it. I felt great. Now I go on a walk about once a week, if I'm lucky. Sad.

Currently I am near my highest weight. Doesn’t feel good. The thing is, I know how to lose weight. I know how to exercise. I know all the do’s and don’ts. I just don’t do it. I really believe that if you really want to know how to lose weight, ask a chubby person. We have done it a million times.

My biggest temptation is night-time eating. You know- when the kids all go to bed and your favorite show is on. I love eating then. That is when leftovers call my name. So, here goes, I thought if I put this out there, if I just say I can start with one thing to change- then maybe I can do it. No more night time eating! Nothing after 9 pm. I will have to update you so I can be accountable. But I feel that this blog is here so we can all be accountable to ourselves more than anyone else. So we can cheer each other on and laugh and cry together.

By the way…so not as brave as my sister. I am not posting my weight. Sorry. I know you were on pins and needles but it is just not happening. Not yet at least.

Weigh in

After re-reading my post yesterday, I realized I forgot one very important reason why we overeat. Sometimes, food just tastes so dang good. It isn't always about emotions. Binging is, but just your occassional too-delicious-to-pass up dish is really just about how good it tastes. So that comes down to telling yourself no, not necessarily trying to figure out what emotions your covering up.

There. I feel better having cleared that up.

Now down to business.

I was nervous to weigh myself this morning.
Mostly cuz I had a peanut buster parfait last night for Family Home Evening.

But it goes to show that we can have the ocassional treat, and still be fine. I walked 5 miles yesterday, so that probably helped as well.

Alright, truth time.

Last week I weighed 204.

Today's weight: 201.4

That's a 2.6 pound loss for the week.

So I'm pretty happy about that.

I'm just trying not to think about the fact that I am re-losing weight that I gained back. It's ok. There is nothing that I can do about the past and I just need to move on. So I am.
I am moving on, and I don't need to measure myself by my failures, just by how I learn from them.

How did everyone do this week? Any goals accomplished, things of note? I do want to hear how it goes for everyone else. Even if you decided to run to your mail box instead of walk, that is an accomplishment. If you turned down a second piece of cake that you normally would have said yes to, that is an accomplishment. If you didn't eat after 8, that is an accomplishment. So share, we all can use a pat on the back sometime.

Have a great Tuesday.

A word on why we eat

Ok. So the first obvious reason why we eat is ? Hunger. Of course.

Do you know there is more than one reason? Well, of course you do.

In centuries past, hunger was pretty much the only reason to eat. Simply because for most households there was not an abundance of left overs. Most struggled as it was to feed their families. Binge eating was unheard of among the general masses, and would have been frowned upon since it meant the binge eating of one, would cause the starvation of another in the family.

Of course, the wealthy were an exception to this rule. That was one reason curvaceous women were highly admired and sought after-it meant they had plenty to eat, which meant wealth!

Oh, if that were only the case today.

But it's not. So, what are some other reasons?

I will list some of my own personal reasons. And remember, you promised, no judgements.

1. Boredom-there's just something about those 5 minutes in between changing diapers and cleaning up spills that just bores me to tears. I must eat!

Ok, joking aside, boredom strikes us all, even the busiest among us. For me, boredom leads to eating. And not the "Hey, I'm so bored that I would really love to eat an apple" More of the "I'm so bored, what delectable treat is just waiting to be made so that I can eat it all before the kids come home?"

2. Sadness/depression-I find that eating to soothe my hurt feelings, depressive thoughts, what have you, actually works. At least for that moment, I feel better. Oh, it will sneak up on me later, but for now, I feel better.

3. Anxiety/nervousness/stress-If I am anxious, worried about something, or overwhelmed I can find myself turning to food. And it's different food then when I'm bored or sad. Bored food is cereal, toast, things of that nature. Sad food is sweets-cakes, cookies, that sort of thing.

But anxious food is repetitive food. Things like chips, crackers, popcorn, food that requires repeated trips to my mouth in order to satisfy or settle down my nervousness.

4. Anger-this is the rarer category for me. This occurs when something or someone has made me angry and I shove food in my mouth, not thinking about what it is, in order to stop thinking about whatever is making me angry. Kind of like a "Oh, yeah? I'll show them! Watch me eat this entire pie, that'll get 'em!" Oh yes, that will really hit them where it hurts. But luckily, I don't get angry very much. I'm too busy being trying to avoid being bored, sad or anxious.

Because have you noticed something about this list? Every single reason to eat when I'm not hungry is an effort to suppress an unpleasant feeling. Boredom? Cured. Depression? Mood lifted. Anxiety? Forgotten. Anger? What anger? I just ate my anger.

Get in a fight with your spouse? Had a rough day? Boss overlooked something that deserved mention? Did the kids make you crazy? Hate your clothes, your car, your house? No money? Is it raining outside when it was supposed to be sunny? Forget about it. Just eat a bowl of ice cream. Avoid what you're feeling and eat to your hearts content.

Yes? Well, yes. That is what I do. But I wish I didn't. I'm the classic avoider of my own emotions. Rather than deal with the negative feelings I am experiencing, I eat to stop myself from thinking about it. Right? Wrong. Cuz the problem is still there. The feelings are still there. I have just stomped them into the ground until they are so weak and feeble that they can't be heard. But they are still there. Waiting to get stronger so that they can come back and wreak havoc on a happily numb life.

What I'm saying is that eating to suppress doesn't work forever. So we have to keep eating to keep suppressing, and the vicious cycle continues. Now, I have overcome this to some degree in the past, because I have lost oodles of weight. But lately, I am finding that this is an issue taking over my life. Things have changed for me in the arena of stress and trials over the past 5 years.

And I am now in the process of learning how to overcome this.

So if you are a person who eats for reasons besides hunger, which I am, then I have an assignment for us.

I want you to think about, and if you feel comfortable, write down why you avoid your emotions.
Maybe this is the first step in not ignoring those emotions.

This may take some thought for some of us. My guess is that much can be found rooted in our childhood. Now this is not in an effort to place blame, but it is a necessary exercise to figure out why we do things so that we can then change.

So maybe there was a lot of yelling, maybe one or both parents were not demonstrative in their own feelings, maybe you were picked on. Maybe a traumatic event occurred that triggered something in you. It could be one of many things. And if eating to cover your emotions is not something you struggle with, then I am truly so happy for you, and could you please share with us what you do to deal with these emotions besides eat? I would love to hear it.

And obviously, this is just a suggestion. This blog is not to replace the advice of a licensed professional. I think there is a lot of commonality with the issues we all have, but those issues are there regardless of how we deal with it. So again, I just want this to be a safe place to discuss it.

So get a pen and paper, jot some feelings down, if you dare. And I would invite you to share. I am learning that I have some definite lurking emotions that I need to address and give validation to. I'm scared, but this is where I am starting the process. On this blog. Where I feel safe.

Watch out emotions, I'm going to let you out-try not to get too crazy on me, ok?

My crew.

I hope you enjoyed meeting Karen. She is a spunky woman, that I have known for a long time. You'll enjoy what she has to say. Smart, talented, witty and full of spice. She was part of one of my first exercises in being more assertive. She probably doesn't know this, but it took all my courage to go introduce myself to her at church when she was new. One of the best things I ever did. We lost touch for a while, but I am glad to have her back.

In the next couple of weeks, you will also get to meet Maile. My sister. Next to Jeff, she is my dearest friend in the entire world. My sounding board, the person who make me laugh so hard I could pee my pants. We share parents so we also share a lot of the same outlook on life and the same baggage. You'd better like her, or else. :)

And sometime in the future, dear Teresa. She is days away from having her 5th baby and moving her family across the ocean. So she is just a tad busy right now. But you will like her. I promise. Creative, insightful, a fantastic mother, and she still likes me, even after having me for a roommate.

These 3 ladies will be regular contributors to this blog. There will also be guest contributors from time to time to help us with seeing life from other perspectives. And if you are interested in submitting something, please, please email me. There are a lot of stories out there and I know we can benefit from hearing them.

And of course, you will have me. With all my ramblings, crazy thoughts, and love for all of you.
Thanks for being here. Truly.

Inspiring

These people are truly inspiring. They've all lost 100 pounds or more without surgery, just with good old fashioned hard work.

I spent a good amount of time perusing through their stories. It left me feeling inspired and ready to go.

Go here to read all about them.

Meet The PRP

Amy emailed me last week and asked me to introduce myself to this blog and I've been trying to figure out how to do that ever since. I'm not big on labels and I don't want to come across as something I'm not. Or hide the things that I am.

You know?

So.

I'm Karen.
Yep, there I am.

I am the wife of my very best friend, the man who was made especially for me.


Isn't he handsome?

I am the mother of four perfectly imperfect little angels, aged almost 10 to almost 2.


They are the best things ever.

And for a long time, I thought they were the reason I was fat.

Silly me.

Like so many of us, I gained and lost weight with each and every baby, and as I added children to our family, my ratios wavered a bit: gained more, lost less. After four kids in eight years, I found myself looking in the mirror and not knowing who I was or how I got to be that way. Actually, scratch that. I knew exactly how I got that way but it took me awhile to own it. I hated my body. I hated my clothes. I hated how self-absorbed and vain I was. I hating feeling like everyone thought of me as their fat friend. I hated it.

In June of 2008 when my last child was born, something clicked. Something in me changed and it was so significant and freeing that I knew I was finally going to say good-bye to my fat self and start living the life I was meant to live. My husband was supportive, my children were thriving and I finally gave myself permission to focus on myself and do what I had to do.

Since then, I have lost, as of this morning, 68 1/2 pounds. I did a lot of different things to shed the weight but the bottom line for me was that I simply moved more and ate less. Don't you hate it when people say that? I know I always did but for the first time in my life, I understood what that meant and put it to practice.

And that thing that clicked? That palpable change in me that made me understand what I had to do to be healthy and feel good? I have no idea what that was. If I did, I would bottle it up and put in on every shelf in America. I've thought about it endlessly in the last two years and what I've decided is that all it was was me giving myself permission to put my needs first and take care of business. I had a very clear vision of who I wanted to be and I knew I would never be her with all that weight on me. I didn't like who I was. I didn't like how I felt. So I decided to change.

Move more.

Eat less.

And here I am. Looking great but feeling a whole lot better.

And I'm excited to be on this journey, because my road if far from over. I still have to make choices every. single. day as to what I should eat and how much of it. I still have to decide to get out of bed every morning at 5:30 when the alarm goes off and exercise. I still have to live a life that is livable for me, which includes pasta and chocolate. And I have to love the body I've been given and celebrate all that it can do and not get bogged down in the numbers on the scale. It's a challenge, every single day. But it's a challenge I'm grateful for. I've learned so much and am excited to be inching closer to the woman I'm supposed to be. Because for the first time in ten years, I love her.

You don't have to be thin

"5 miles, it's only 5 miles", I told myself.

"I've done this before, I can do it now" I reassured myself.

I had convinced my family one Saturday that they really wanted to ride their bikes on the Cedar River Trail while I ran.

I needed to log my next long run, yet I wanted the kids and Jeff with me, so this was the compromise.

So here we were. The weather was beautiful, sun shining, 70 degrees in March. Mostly unheard of but always appreciated. And I was out enjoying it. Or trying to as my labored breathing and tired legs kept the constant rythm of two second inhale/2 steps taken, two second exhale/two steps taken.

I had decided to forego music as I ran so that I could talk to my husband as he pushed the younger ones in the jogger. Talking was accomplished because my running was slow enough that he could walk while pushing the jogger and still keep up with me. But whatever. "I'm out here, doing this, it really doesn't matter how slow I'm going", was the constant refrain I kept running through my head.

As I thought this, I remembered a time I had to tell myself this in order to overcome a rude comment I had to endure.

It was my freshman year at BYU, and I had been determined to not come home having gained weight. So I was out on my bike, trying to get some exercise. As I made my way down Freedom BLVD in Provo, a car full of boys drove by and yelled "Hey fat a*#!".

It hurt, just a little, but mostly it just made me mad. I thought "That's why I'm out here, you idiots." And I just couldn't figure out how anyone could berate someone trying to better themselves. It locked into my psyche, deep down, how important it was to not judge someone by their size, ever.

So as this memory and other thoughts ran through my head that sunny Saturday morning, I thought of a scene from earlier in the day. My neighbor down the way had been out in front of her house doing push ups and then went on a run past my house. I thought about coming home and telling her that I had run 5 miles, and then I imagined her looking up and down my 200 pound frame and saying, incredulously "YOU ran 5 miles?" and then my retort would be "You don't have to be skinny to run 5 miles. "

Now, she is a nice person, I don't really think for a minute she might actually say this. It was just my own funny mind wandering and playing out scenarios that will never happen. What? You don't do that?

So as I ran, and that last mile got more and more difficult, I repeated to myself, over and over, keeping with the rythm of my running, "You don't have to be thin to run. You don't have to be thin to run. "

And that truly got me through that last painful mile on what turned out to be a triumphant day for me. It wasn't anyone else running by and saying good job, it wasn't a huge banner hanging from my house when I got home (although that would have been nice).

It was me.

I encouraged myself. I didn't let anyone else claim responsibility for whether I finished that run or not. And that, I think, is what the real accomplishment was. Running that distance was great, but keeping the commitment to myself, and talking myself into finishing was the real victory.

And truly, you don't have to be thin to run any distance.

The week after that? I ran 6 miles. Still 200 plus pounds, but I ran it.
Now that may not work for everyone. Obviously (I hope) you have to listen to your body and what it wants to do. I suffer a little running at this weight. And I know that because I have run 50 pounds thinner, and let me tell you, that don't hurt as much!

But I hope you can see that the biggest limitations are the ones we give ourselves. Not what others say to us, nor what we may imagine others think of us.

Now, what I really want to know so that if I'm ever comtemplating giving up, if I've run out of my own positive reinforcement, what do you do to keep yourself going when it gets hard?

Do tell.

Reality and a really long post.

I finally wasn't sick. I could taste food without running to throw up. I could make it through the day without 3 Zofran to help keep things down.

So I did what I hadn't been able to do for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. I ate. And ate. And ate.

At my 16 week appointment, I had gained 12 pounds since the previous time.

I wasn't too worried. I had gained nothing the first 12 weeks, so I would just reign it in, and do better the next time.

Well, that's not exactly what happened. Over the remaining 21 weeks of my pregnancy, I gained 53 more pounds.

Yup. I gained 65 pound total, and Anne Marie was only 8 of that when she was born.

And although 30 of it came off within the first week post part um, I was left weighing 204 pounds. The most ever.

I was devastated. I couldn't believe it.

So I began to work. And work hard.

By the time Anne Marie was 18 months old, and at age 31, I had lost 46 pounds.

At 5 foot 8, I was 158 pounds. I ran 35 miles a week, lifted weights a couple of times a week, and was just very fit.

So I figured that the weight gain was in my control for the next baby. Which is was, sort of.

When I got pregnant with Henry, I wasn't as sick. So I gained a normal 5 pounds the first trimester. Not too bad.

I continued to take classes at the gym, and walked about 8 miles a week. I watched my calories very carefully and basically worked my butt off.

I still gained 42 pounds. And this time, just 20 came off, not the 30 that evaporated with Anne Marie.

So even after all the hard work, the relentless carefulness, I still weighed not much less than I had with Anne Marie.

I was so disheartened. But I learned a great lesson about my body and pregnancy. Within reason (with Anne Marie I pretty much ate to my heart's content) my body hovered around a 45 pound weight gain with each child. No matter what.

But I figured after Henry, I was done having babies so I could focus on health and losing weight, even if it was slow. There was no need to be in a rush since I wasn't getting pregnant again, right? Wrong.

I had lost about 13 pounds. I was feeling great, clothes were starting to fit again and then WHAM! I was pregnant. It wasn't totally unexpected. I had been feeling that there was another baby waiting to come. But still. I was scared. I was starting out heavier then I had ever been when getting pregnant. What would happen?

I started out super sick again. Not needing medication sick, this time, but sick. But I gained 5 pounds the first trimester, anyway. Knowing that moderation was key, and that I would gain about the same no matter what, I didn't stress too much.

Until one appointment with my OB. Since I had started out heavier than normal (184 pounds to be exact) she only wanted me to gain 15 pounds. I just looked at her. At least I was polite enough to not laugh in her face.

Here I was with baby number 6 on the way. I had gained at least 40 pounds with every single child. No exception. I wasn't confident that it would be any different this time.

And it wasn't.

I started to stress, to be really sad about the weight that was coming on. I could feel it in my face, my legs, my arms, everywhere. And I knew that I would be lucky to keep the weight gain at 40 pounds. That 15 was completely and totally unreachable.

When I get pregnant, it's like my body decides this is the one and only time in my life that it can really gain weight or something. So it clings to every morsel that passes my lips. It's annoying.

I would do it all again though. I wouldn't trade one single child just to be skinny. It is just my reality to have a lot of weight to lose after each baby.

And Heavenly Father is aware of the stress that this causes me, I'm sure. In fact, I know that I was blessed with a dream about it ahead of time, so that I could be prepared mentally for what was to come.

About 2 months before Nora was born, I dreamt that I had the baby, and when I stepped on the scale a week later, I weighed 210 pounds. An all time high. And guess what? That is EXACTLY what happened.

And I wasn't as upset as I would have been otherwise. I had been given a head's up, and I was prepared for what I saw.

But it was still the most I had ever weighed in my entire life. So I did what I had always done, I buckled down and got to work. And I felt optimistic I could do it. Combine the weight loss here and there over my lifetime, plus the weight lost after the previous births of 5 children, and I had lost about 200 pounds in my lifetime. So this should be a cinch?

By the end of September I had lost 10 pounds. Nora was nursing well, I was exercising and things felt great. Then 2 things happened. First, I got kidney stones. And during the day I spent away from Nora at the doctor, I got very engorged and ended up getting a breast infection. My first ever.

I was in pain. I couldn't exercise, and I gained some water weight from the medication the infection, etc.

So when I got back on the scale a week later, and saw that I was back up 5 pounds. I think I lost it mentally.

Even though all of my experience with weight loss had taught me that it was impossible to gain 5 pounds like that, that it was for sure water weight, I just sort of gave up.

I decided that things were working against me and that I would just be heavy.

That feeling and attitude lasted for a very long time. I would lose 5 pounds here and there, try to throw exercise in. Gain some, lose some. Gain some, lose some. But the frustration, mixed with some major financial difficulties (cut in pay, behind in bills, that sort of thing) had me consistently turning to food for comfort, and in the process I lost no weight and consistently hovered around 205 pounds.

Then, this last November, I got inspired to do something. So I joined weight watchers. I loved it. It felt simple and do-able. Through the Holidays, I lost 10 pounds. I was so excited. I saw myself dip below 200 for the first time in 2 years. I started running again. I felt great. And then it happened. Life sabotaged me again.

I began running with two friends to train for a half marathon. On our first night running together, it had been raining and it was dark. Stepping off the sidewalk to join them on the street, I stepped onto a grate that was wet from the rain and sprained my foot. Sprained it bad.

I walked it off that evening, thinking it would be ok, but it wasn't. And while I hadn't broken it, the Doc told me I had pulled the ligaments in the top of my foot. He said if I rested I should be back to running and training in a couple weeks.

Well, it wasn't just a couple of weeks. And every week that went by without being able to exercise, I got more and more depressed.

I could do nothing. Any amount of pressure other than a slow gate while wearing my foot brace and limping, hurt too much. I couldn't exercise.

All I could think was "Really?!" Why now?

I don't know why. I just know that I stopped being vigilant. I ate more than I should in my fits of depression. And without exercise for 2 months, I gained back the 10 pounds I had lost.

So now I'm at the beginning again. My "baby" is 20 months old. I weigh almost the same as when she was born.

But I am ready. I take full responsibility for every morsel that went into my mouth. I acknowledge that I could have done many things differently. But I let the number on the scale discourage me into not trying. I let missteps along the way keep me from my accomplishments. I convinced myself that things were out of my control, and that happiness would only lie in being thin again.

So I spent a lot of time unhappy.

And I'm sick of feeling that way. I'm sick of finding comparisons everywhere I look and not measuring up. That is not what Heavenly Father had in mind for us. That is not how He looks at us.

So this blog is my road to recovery. To finding health, but allowing happiness in no matter what the scale says.

So, are you ready for truth. Are you ready for this journey?

Just promise me, don't think, "Shoot, I weigh more than her, or woo hoo, at least I weigh less". This is not about comparisons. Knowing our weight keeps us on track, it is not to be a comparison between ourselves and others.

Here we go.

Today. April 6, 2010.

Weight: 204 pounds
Waist :36 inches
hips:45 inches
arms:14 1/2 inches
thighs: 25 inches
bust:42 inches

I will list my weight every week and measurements once a month. My goal is 4 pounds a month. A modest goal on purpose. I am trying to succeed, not set myself up for failure.

So in between weigh ins, I will discuss my struggles with food. My battles against the Monster, and the successes along the way.

I will introduce you to other people in my life who have their own perspectives on this subject and hopefully you will get to know all of us and feel comfortable sharing your own stories.

In fact, if you have a story you want to share, and it's longer than a regular comment will allow, please email me, I would LOVE to hear from you.

I will also tell you about training. I am running 3 races this summer. 2 relays and a half marathon. I will do it whether I'm 200 pounds or not. That will not stop me. My foot is better, and I'm on my way. My success will be measured in ways other than just the loss of weight.

It's all about healing, finding joy that comes from life off the scale. And I'm so excited you're here for the ride.

Welcome

If you are reading this then you are curious. Curious to find more out about Keeping the Monster in the Cave.

What is the Monster?

It is the insecurity, the despair, the wallowing in self pity, the battle with the scale, the feelings of worthlessness that can come from letting the value we and others place on outward appearance garner more time and attention than it deserves.

And more than anything, we want that Monster to STAY in the cave. To not come out and show it's ugly head. It's like the Monster lurks around waiting for times of vulnerability to show itself and destroy our happiness. And I want the monster to stay in the cave, to never emerge again, to leave me and all of you, alone, to eventually die there and have it's ashes blown away, forgotten.

Now, that being said, I feel strongly that it is important to be healthy, to take care of the bodies that Heavenly Father gives us. But not to the point where our sole happiness depends on a certain number or a size. I want to run and not be weary, walk and not faint. I want to end and begin the day without back and foot pain from carrying too much weight around. That is my ultimate physical goal. My mental goal is to find contentment with myself no matter what the scale says.

This scares me. I really and truly want to only care about my health. I want to believe that's all that matters. But I may take some convincing.

I have struggled with this my whole life. My first memory associated around weight occured when I was 11 years old. I had walked into the Real Estate Agency that my parents owned and plopped myself down on a stool in the back kitchen, excited to talk to a lady that shared the building with my parents. I adored this woman. She was fun to talk to, super sassy, and I felt she was my friend. But the first thing out of her mouth was "Hi thunder thighs".

Now, as an 11 year old kid, I had never in my life looked at my thighs and thought they were big, or thunderous.

I just looked down at them when she said that and thought "DO I have thunder thighs? Sam seems to think I do, so I must, right?"

Sad.

I'm sure in her twisted way, she was just "helping" me by bringing attention to what I obviously hadn't noticed on my own.

But I have learned, people don't grow from criticism. They shrink and hide and hope to not be noticed.

So this blog, Keeping the Monster in the Cave, will be a place free from any sort of criticism.

A place where encouragement is key and support for eachother is vital.

It will be a place where you can read about my struggles and efforts to lose the weight that my last two beautiful babies gave me. Where you can comment and not be judged.

I will be completely honest with you, and myself in the process. And I hope you will share your thoughts, stories, triumphs and sorrows with me. Whether you have lots of weight to lose, just a few pounds, or you have to gain weight, you will be safe here.

It will start with a post tomorrow with my REAL weight and measurements. Not my Driver's license weight, and not the measurements that I arrived at while sucking in.

No, you will get my real measurements. Scary for me, but necessary if I want to be able to track my progress towards a healthier me.

Because if I'm going to prove to myself that weight is really just a number, and not something to hate myself for, then I need to not be afraid to share it with others.

Other people may judge me, call me fat. That's fine. I'm not here, on this earth, for them, the people who only see value in bodily perfection and forget the whole person in the process.

So will you join me on my quest for enlightenment? Get it? Sorry.

Ahem.

Anyway, I hope so. Cuz I am not too proud to admit, that I need the encouragement, that I need the collective wealth of knowledge that I know exists out there amongst my readers.

I need you my friends to cheer me on as with helmet in place, with sword in hand (name that song) I fight the Monster in the Cave, and win.