Yesterday was a train wreck of ginormous proportions.

After accidentally (of course) ramming some guys Cadillac Escalade, I went home in hysterics, instead of working out.

Then, I fed my sorrow, literally, for the rest of the day.

Not until the owner of the cadillac called me and said to not worry about the damage, did I settle back into a more happy place where food was not needed to fill me up any longer.

It was a very emotional day. As I stood in the parking lot, crying as I wrote my info down, all I could think were awful insults to myself. Stupid, unattractive, fat, dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I was much harder on myself than the kind gentlemen was. Sometimes this ugly perfectionist side of me pops out. I don't aim it at other people, only myself. I should have been perfect and not made the mistake of hitting his car. I should have been skinnier so that when I talked to him I didn't have the added feeling of self conscious-ness. I should have been better with money for the previous 15 years so that I wouldn't be standing there with my crappy van and feeling so poor.

But I am over that today.

I am still embarassed, because that is normal. But I am not beating myself up.

And today, I don't feel the need to feed myself as a form of comfort. Today, food is just food. A source of energy. Nothing more.

Breakfast-rice chex with milk-250

lunch-chicken salad-300

snack-peanut butter toast-250

dinner-chicken and brussel sprouts-300

snack-I don't know yet. Something in the 300 calorie range.

And I'm going on a walk with Henry and Nora because Nora is sick today and I can't take her to the gym babysitting drop off place.

But I'm back tomorrow!

I'm off to the gym again. I'm going to do weight training today. I'm super nervous because last time I belonged to a gym, I was in waaaay better shape and I actually knew what I was doing. I'm not even sure where to start today, and I hate the thought of wandering around with that lost look on my face. I like to pretend I know what I'm doing, NOT stick out like a sore thumb. But I have to start somewhere right?

So today I'm off to a good start with food, hah!!

I had a peanut butter sandwich, on whole wheat bread, and a cookie for breakfast. Can you say what?!

I guess I'm eating egg whites and oatmeal for lunch to balance it out. I don't know why, that sandwich just looked so dang good. And the cookie? I'm still working on moderation. If I tell myself no for anything fun, I will freak out and eat a whole plate of cookies! So one isn't bad.

Dinner tonight will be grilled chicken and brussel sprouts for me, cuz I love them, yes I do and mashed potatoes for the kids. I think I will have a baked potato with spray butter and seasoning. And some sort of red meat for Jeff. Simple, but low in calories while high in protein and fiber.

Snack will be a smoothie I think, that sounds good. I've been staying in my 1600 calorie range and it feels good.I'm not weighing myself though. I'm just going off how my clothes fit. I have less anxiety this way, and I don't let the weight of the day affect my mood or how I'm eating. It just feels healthier emotionally for me. I may weigh myself once a month, and usually I end up losing more weight that way. You know, keeping that monster at bay requires something different than what normal weight loss experts would tell you. I no longer have an eating disorder for a reason, some of that being I started doing things my way instead of what everything on the internet told me!

Thoughts? Do you weigh yourself? Or not?

So the weekend with the young men and young women, planning activities for the coming year, turned out well. Both as far as what we got done, and as far as what I ate. I felt very in control, and though I allowed myself a little treat in the form of one treat size Almond Joy, I kept within my range and felt great.

Also, I joined a gym! WOO HOO! I have belonged to a gym in the past, but mostly I have lost weight and got in shape by working out at home, and by pushing kids in the double jogger. But lately, it has become harder for me to exercise with them, than with any of the previous 4. Henry hates the stroller, and asks when we're going home the whole time. Nora is fine, but with Henry not in Kindergarten yet, it's always the two of them. If I try to work out on the treadmill in the garage, the kids come out the whole time and mess with stuff, or they go inside and I worry about them the whole time.

And honestly, I am not getting up at 5 just to exercise in my cold garage. So instead of making excuses, I joined a gym with unlimited babysitting. They only charge 15 dollars for 2 kids unlimited! Pretty awesome.

I just really want to put some focus on this, and the hour by myself will be really nice as well. Plus, Henry and Nora love to play with other kids and other people's toys, so hopefully they will enjoy it as well.

So, today's menu-

1 pancake, 1 piece of bacon, bit of eggs and syrup-350
lunch-pb &j on whole wheat, pretzels, apple-450
snack-cereal-250
dinner-one slice of cheese pizza, garden salad with ranch.-400
snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120

days total-1670

Nutritionally, it was a so so day, but I stayed within my calories, so I feel pretty good about it.

So the girls and I are headed to Cle Elum for a YM/YW planning retreat. It should be fun. But as always in such situations, what is being served is out of my control. So I try and adjust or I bring my own food. I think I will do a little bit of both this time. But for today, I can keep a good thing going and stay within my calorie range, and then prepare for tomorrow what with pancakes and syrup being on the menu. I can hardboil some eggs and bring an apple to go with that. Lunch is sandwiches. Same thing, I will bring my own. Although a peanut butter and jam sandwich on white bread sounds good, it will still be 500 calories but I won't feel filled up by just that. So I'm better off bringing something that has less calories but that is much more filling, like the chicken salad that is so easy to make up. Anyhoo.

Today's Menu

Breakfast-oatmeal and a handful of cereal-400
Lunch-chicken salad with grapes and almonds-350
Snack-apple and peanut butter-250
dinner-chicken sandwich-400
snack-apple-40

Day two of?

I don't know what to call this. This effort I'm making. I am excited though. I've been having quite a bit of annoying pain that has kept me from exercising. I stopped running thinking things would feel better. But they didn't. And now, without really realizing it, I've slowly stopped going walking on a regular basis as well. And I was so tired every day from not sleeping well. Not sleeping well because I would wake up 4-5 times a night in pain and have to roll over to try and be more comfortable.

But I'm excited because my doc put me on a new medication that has me feeling like a million bucks. It's only been 3 days, but I was able to wake up this morning with my kids, and I stayed up until 10 last night cleaning. I haven't done that in over a year! After the kids got on the bus this morning, I did the dishes and cleaned up and I'm contemplating throwing the kids in the stroller and going on a walk.

This sounds so funny to me, cuz being able to do all those things has always been easy for me. I've always stayed on top of things. And even if it wasn't perfect, it was manageable. The medication I'm on is a anti-depressant that is also used to relieve pain. My doc and I couldn't decide if I was depressed because I was in pain, or if the pain was part of the depression. Some of it isn't. Like my back, which has bothered me for years. And then there is my knees. They would probably feel better if I lost weight. But my muscle aches and shoulder pain seem in a league all their own. So who knows. I just know that the medicine is helping and I feel so happy about it!

So here is my plan for today. I'm trying to give myself breakfast as the meal where I have less than stellar carbs. I figure it will be worked off by the end of the day. But I'm not freaking out either. Maile's doctor told her to just go on a regular diet. No crazy stuff, no low carb, just a regular diet where you watch what you eat and stay within a calorie range. Genius! ha ha So I'm doing that as well. I'm staying within 1600 calories and adding exercise, but not going crazy.

So here is today's menu:

Breakfast:-Rice crispies with banana and almond milk-250
Lunch-Chicken salad with grapes and celery.-350
Snack-hard boiled egg and yogurt-200
Dinner-Burritos, with ground beef, avocado, gluten free wrap, salsa.-500
Snack-apple with peanut butter-250

Oh it feels good to have a plan. And yes Karen-you should post what you're eating here as well. I would love to see what other people dream up for lunch and dinner while staying within their calories/points/whatever.

I'm only on here because I need somewhere to log things I eat.

I went to the doctor yesterday and she implied, quite nicely actually, that losing the extra 40 pounds I have would help a bit with back and knee pain.

Ya think?

I mean, I already knew that. But I've been kidding myself into thinking it's not related. And that I look "good enough."

I've done well. I've lost 30 pounds. And then I lost my motivation, somewhere. But having someone else tell me outright that I was overweight, was pretty motivating.

So, for today, I ate or will be eating:

Breakfast:1 cup rice chex with almond milk and a cut up banana.-220
Lunch: grilled chicken sandwich and diet coke-350
Snack-apple slices with almond butter-200
Dinner-homemade fettucine alfredo-600
Snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120

I am doing this. I am. I feel, different today. More motivated. Less sad. It's all good.