Deserving

I've been pondering over what Karen said about positive affirmations.
At first I didn't think I needed it, but then I started listening to my own thoughts.

And let me tell you, it was kind of shocking.

A lot of "I don't deserve its" and "I'm not good enoughs".

So today, I headed out on a walk. My first bit of exercise since I sprained my ankle (and most likely tore the ligaments) 3 weeks ago.

As I walked along, I decided to try saying something positive to myself.

So I started with "I deserve to be happy" and "I deserve to feel good about my body".
I repeated that over and over about 5 times.

And you know what? The most amazing thing happened. I had a physical response to the thoughts in my head. I actually stood up straighter, I felt lighter. And for a moment I believed myself.

Then the negative stuff started trying to crowd back in. So I just thought louder and louder "I deserve to be happy" "I deserve to feel good about my body".

I felt different after that walk today. It was really a small miracle.

I think that sometimes I equate the word deserve with entitlement. So I tend to shy away from it, because I don't believe any of us is entitled to anything we haven't earned. I also didn't want to throw my lot in with others who may say "I deserve a new car, or a pedicure or whatever even if it means I won't be able to pay my electric bill or I'll have to get a job and be away from my kids in order to afford it. "

So to say I deserve anything has always been hard for me. I shie away from things that seem selfish or that put my needs above the needs of my family. (I know that taking time for ourselves is important so that we are renewed for our families, I'm just talking about excess here)

But today I realized, that I do deserve happiness. (that's still a little hard to write, my highly attuned sense of guilt wants to take over right now.) I am a good person. I haven't murdered or robbed or hurt anyone else. I do my best to make right choices and do my best everyday.

And I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to be happy. There are rules to be followed for sure. You really can't be a cruddy person (insert your own definition of what a cruddy person is) and expect to be truely happy.

And I deserve to feel good about my body. You notice I didn't say I deserve to be thin or run marathons, those require work, you can't just have it without work. But I deserve to feel good about myself no matter what stage I am in. To love my body for all that is has accomplished, for the efficient way it houses my spirit and allows me to go through trials so that I can return to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior someday.

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to feel good about my body.

And so do you.