Contest

I love a good contest.

And my favorite person to compete with is Jeff. Not so that I can kick his trash, but because I want us both to win. So that means no one can give up, therefore we both win. Make sense?

Probably not.

For example. Last night I convinced Jeff to do a contest with me for 1 month. In the one month time frame of the contest, neither of us will eat starch or sugar. Whoever loses, gets to put the kids to bed all by themselves for one week while the other person channels surfs all by themselves downstairs.

Now, before you say "how in the heck does a person not eat starch or sugar!!" Or "that is too extreme!!!", let me explain.

With Jeff's autoimmune disease, starch becomes an enemy that causes him physical pain. Yet, homemade bread and scones are hard to turn down and so he endures the pain from time to time.

For me sugar is the devil. Especially when combined with butter. Then it is the most dangerous thing on the planet to me. It makes my joints hurt, it makes me hold onto weight like you wouldn't believe, and it calls to me at night, begging me to eat one more cookie.

Some of my hangups are just mental, but some are truly physical. Between an eating disorder that plagued me for years, and now the resultant candida from that eating disorder, I crave carbs and sugars. A lot. The only way to really help myself is to cut it out for a good month or two, which will help get the candida under control as well as my cravings, and hopefully it will help me on my way to looking smokin' for the cameras.

So although I can eat starch, it's harder for Jeff when I do, and though he can have sugar, it's harder for me when he does. So that's why we're cutting both out. I'm still not sure this makes sense. But it will be fun, and we will do it together so no one will be eating ding dongs or Snickers in front of the other.

And though I wish I just had the plain old ability to do this without a contest, I don't. And in the past my contests with Jeff have lost me about 20 pounds. So it's worth it. And if he doesn't hurt at all, then it's worth it for him. I'm sure in 3 days I will be saying why in the heck did I do this. But one month from now, when my cravings and blood sugar are in control I'm sure I will be glad I did.

Plus, I can eat all the meat, cheese, fruit and vegetables and nuts that I want. And I like those things. I do. So if I can make it past the first week, then I will be just fine.

So does anyone want to share what their Achilles heel is? Butter, sugar, pasta, hamburgers? What is it that you can't live without? And how do you fit it into your life?

I have a hard time with moderation when it comes to baked goods. I'm not a one cookie and then I'm fine type of person. I tend to be all or nothing, and no amount of telling myself I can have it, or that moderation is key, helps me stop after one cookie.

So what are some ways to deal with this? How does a person learn to still have treats in their life without going overboard? Please!!!! Pass on your wisdom. Cuz after this contest that I'm going to win, I will need to have a plan in place to make moderation the key to staying in control.

Maybe one day a week I can eat all the cookies I want? I could maybe do that. Refrain for 6 days and then have fun for one?

Or only have treats before 10 am? I don't know. Help me out here!!!

Thank you??

So...my sister might be on a show. Great. I might be on it with her. Um, great??? Here are my thoughts on the subject.

1. Could be a lot of fun.....if
2. I could learn some cool new skills....if
3. Some big producer might see me and think "She is the next big thing. She will be a star!....if
4. I might get to hang out with a cute carpenter (don't worry, my heart belongs to Scott) and feel kinda cute myself...if

Want to know the if?? If....I could feel good enough about myself so I can relax and have fun. How do I feel good about myself? Unfortunately, I know that losing weight is the number one way for me to feel better about me.

Luckily, being on tv is very very motivating. I guess I should be thanking Amy for the motivation and the opportunity instead of secretly wishing that she had picked someone else so I could have pizza and dessert tonight.

Thank you Amy. I will be thinking of you as I eat my egg whites this morning.


-Maile

From The Inside Out

One of my sweet friends, who is so much smarter than me, has a personal motto that she shared with me years ago.

"You have to give up something good to get something better."

We were huddled up in a freezing cabin while the rest of our Young Women slept down below and we had one of the best conversations of my life, to date. And that's saying something.

I was venting my frustrations with my weight, with my time constraints, with what I was capable of and she calmly took it all in and then offered that little piece of dynamite which literally shook me to the core. As a beautifully thin woman who works incredibly hard for her shape, she let me in on her little secret.

"You have to give up something good to get something better."

She explained to me that when we are faced with two choices, we often see one as good and the other bad, but that's not necessarily the case. For example, sleeping in is good. But setting the alarm for a bit earlier and getting in a good workout, is better. Eating a piece of cake at a birthday party is good. But taking pride in your body and not eating two pieces of cake is better. Laying on the couch to watch a movie with your kids is good. Going for a bike ride is better. Devoting your time and energies to your family is good. Showing them that you value yourself and take time for your own needs is better.

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. We all have choices to make, struggles to meet head on and reasons why we "can't" do something. I spent almost a decade trying to convince myself of why I couldn't eat right. Exercise more. Make better choices. I told myself that I was focused on being the best mom I could.

It took work, real effort, to switch my mindset from being negative to finding the positives. I used to get so frustrated when I'd go out to dinner with my husband or girlfriends. I would wine and complain because what I wanted to eat wasn't the same as what I should eat and I would focus all my energy into why life wasn't fair and how I just wanted to be thin. And I forgot to celebrate that going out was the treat, not the food. Being with my husband is what made the night special, not the menu. Chatting the night away with girlfriends is what I was really craving and not the calorie-laden foods.

And after awhile, I got it. And I started to lose weight.

This isn't to say that on some Friday nights you can't find me at Red Robin munching away on a Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap and fries. Or that if I'm at the movies, I don't have a a pack of Reese's Pieces to munch on. I still eat the foods I've always eaten. In moderation. And because I occasionally snack on the things I love, those foods no longer have power over me.

I still have to make choices every. single. day. I still want chocolate after every meal. I still wish that cheesecake were good for you. But this? The pride I feel in my body? The sound of the alarm at 5:20 every morning? The results I've seen since I started making the effort? Knowing that I'm taking care of myself so that I really can be the best for my family?

Is better.

Motivation

Ok, so this is the real deal. I may be on television. I may have a camera crew and people from TLC in my home for 4 days straight this summer. I'm thinking our chances are really good.

But I can't wait to hear from them before I really get to work getting some weight off.

I hate that thinking I may be on national television would be so motivating, but it is!!!

I don't hate myself. I like me. But they say that the camera adds 10 pounds. And guess what? I can afford to look any heavier then I do in real life.

So I am redoubling my efforts. I have 2-3 months depending on when they come. I'm trying to not let it freak me out or make me revert to crazy diets. But it does give me incentive to not be lazy and to try and be consistent.

Also, I think I am only going to post my weight loss once a month. The fluctuations that occur kind of even out over a months time and so then I won't be stressed out about Tuesdays. Sound ok?

Also your probably getting sick of hearing from just me. So I'm asking Karen and Maile to post something this week. Preferably something funny that happened to them involving food or exercise, or just something funny in general. I need a good laugh.

Buy I'll start today to get the ball rolling:

When I was in seventh grade, my friends and I were standing outside of homeroom waiting for school to start.

Someone came up with the brilliant idea to see who could do the splits. Well, I knew I could, so I was going to show off with the rest of them.

Only problem, usually I did the splits in shorts. I was wearing 80's tight jeans.

So yup, I went down into the splits, and my pants didn't survive. They split from seam to seam. Like the only thing holding them together was the waist and the cuffs kind of split.

Oh, and the boy I liked was watching. And I had to go sit on a bench with my friends sweatshirt over me and wait for my mom to bring me more pants. My friends and the boy I liked talked about that all the way into highschool.

"Hey remember that time you did the splits and your pants ripped, ha ha ha "

Yeah, I remember.

Anyone else experience such awesome stuff in their adolescence? Or yesterday even?

Standing tall

Back in February, a good friend of mine took me clothes shopping.

I had some money from tax return, and I was just tired of all the same clothes.
This friend has excellent taste, and she is honest. A great combination in a person when you are clothes shopping, let me tell you.

Well, the evening was a huge success. I got some really great things from the Ann Taylor outlet and just felt a little recharged.

But as her and I were talking, we discussed, of course, size, weight, what makes us look smaller, etc.

She mentioned that when I stand up straight I look ten pounds thinner.

That seemed like a pretty quick fix. But it's hard for me, for two reasons.

The first reason is that my knees are double jointed. So if I relax my knees, everything goes out of whack and I slouch.

The second reason is that when I'm heavier, I know that I slouch because deep down I'm hoping to hide from the world. I'm hoping no one will notice me and therefore, not notice that I am chubby.

But the real result of slouching is that I just look even heavier then I am, and I look slouchy and hunched.

So ever since her and I talked (and just to give proper credit, my husband has been telling me this same thing for years) I have been making a conscious effort to stand up straight.

And it makes a world of difference.

You have to try it. Stand in front of a mirror and slouch, and then stand up straight. Do this a couple of times in a row and you'll be amazed at the difference.

We can't really hide from the world. And we shouldn't. Whether we are overweight, we got a bad haircut, or we just don't like ourselves, hiding doesn't effect the people who we are hoping to hide from.

When we try to hide, we are just reinforcing in our own minds that we are not worth shining and letting the world see the light that each of us has inside.

So stand tall, and be proud of who you are.

Deserving

I've been pondering over what Karen said about positive affirmations.
At first I didn't think I needed it, but then I started listening to my own thoughts.

And let me tell you, it was kind of shocking.

A lot of "I don't deserve its" and "I'm not good enoughs".

So today, I headed out on a walk. My first bit of exercise since I sprained my ankle (and most likely tore the ligaments) 3 weeks ago.

As I walked along, I decided to try saying something positive to myself.

So I started with "I deserve to be happy" and "I deserve to feel good about my body".
I repeated that over and over about 5 times.

And you know what? The most amazing thing happened. I had a physical response to the thoughts in my head. I actually stood up straighter, I felt lighter. And for a moment I believed myself.

Then the negative stuff started trying to crowd back in. So I just thought louder and louder "I deserve to be happy" "I deserve to feel good about my body".

I felt different after that walk today. It was really a small miracle.

I think that sometimes I equate the word deserve with entitlement. So I tend to shy away from it, because I don't believe any of us is entitled to anything we haven't earned. I also didn't want to throw my lot in with others who may say "I deserve a new car, or a pedicure or whatever even if it means I won't be able to pay my electric bill or I'll have to get a job and be away from my kids in order to afford it. "

So to say I deserve anything has always been hard for me. I shie away from things that seem selfish or that put my needs above the needs of my family. (I know that taking time for ourselves is important so that we are renewed for our families, I'm just talking about excess here)

But today I realized, that I do deserve happiness. (that's still a little hard to write, my highly attuned sense of guilt wants to take over right now.) I am a good person. I haven't murdered or robbed or hurt anyone else. I do my best to make right choices and do my best everyday.

And I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to be happy. There are rules to be followed for sure. You really can't be a cruddy person (insert your own definition of what a cruddy person is) and expect to be truely happy.

And I deserve to feel good about my body. You notice I didn't say I deserve to be thin or run marathons, those require work, you can't just have it without work. But I deserve to feel good about myself no matter what stage I am in. To love my body for all that is has accomplished, for the efficient way it houses my spirit and allows me to go through trials so that I can return to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior someday.

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to feel good about my body.

And so do you.

A new direction

I watched a video this morning by Stephanie Nielson of the NieNie dialogues. Over at Dear Cjane.

Stephanie touches briefly on their crash, on the burns covering 80 percent of her body. And then she says"I am Stephanie Nielson, and I am not my body."

At this point, I start to bawl. To sob uncontrollably at these words. To feel the truthfulness of them.

I lay my head down on my arms, resting on a chair, and give in to the grief that threatens to overwhelm me.

Because I am not my body either. But I have been trying to make it so. I have been attempting, for years and years, to bring my value as a person, as a daughter of Heavenly Father into line with the way I look on the outside.

And that is completely and totally wrong.

So I cried. I cried for the years I spent abusing my body with an eating disorder. I cried for all the time I spend worrying about things that won't matter in eternity.

And then I sat up and wiped my tears. It's time for a new direction.