Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Change

So I guess it took me a little longer to get back to this blog.

A week and a half ago, a team from HomeMade Simple came to meet us and take a look at the room they would be doing.

I got to meet Wanda, the decorating Maven, and I loved her.

But one thing bothered me. I realized that Wanda was thinner in real life then she looked on t.v.

SO IT'S TRUE! YOU DO LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER ON TV!

Do remember the episode of Friends where everyone was watching old video of Monica and they were amazed at her size, and she said"The camera adds 10 pounds!" and Chandler responded with "How many cameras were ON you?"

Well, that is how I was feeling after meeting her. That if she looked a little heavier on tv, then it would look like I had about 4 or 5 cameras on me, and that people I hadn't seen in a while were going to wonder what happened to me.

So I felt a little freaked out, and somewhere deep inside of me, my bulimic monster started yelling and screaming, trying to convince me that I could lose weight faster if I just purged everything.

Well first of all, that monster is stupid. And he needs to stay in the cave. (I don't know why my monster is a guy, well, yes I do, but that's another post entirely. )

And I have had to talk myself down. I have reminded myself that TLC wanted us on the show without issuing any demands that I lose weight.

I have reminded myself that I am not 18 anymore and this body has brought a lot of kids into the world.

Plus, something interesting happened this last week that really brought my obsessions into focus.

Kate has been really sick. She started off with strep throat. But the antibiotics, we think, gave her horrible hives. So they switched her to a different family of antibiotics. Well, after 5 days, she still wasn't better and she still had hives so I took her in on Sunday.

Well, now she has an ear infection and pneumonia on top of everything else. So the antibiotics were not really doing their job.

But what really worried me was that she lost 3 pounds in the 5 days between doctor's visits. Simply because she has not felt good enough to eat.

But on the car ride home from the doctor, as we talked about everything, I said "You're super sick and you lost 3 pounds Kate" and immediately she said, "I know, isn't that awesome?"

What?! Crap, crap, crap.

I told her that no, that wasn't awesome, that she shouldn't be losing weight, that where she is at is exactly where she should be.

And then we had a long talk about mom's obsessing with their weight. And how I have set a bad example, without realizing it. And I apologized.

Who knows if it was enough damage control. But it was really eye opening to me.

And I realize now, that how I feel about myself affects more than just me. And that even "harmless" worrying about getting the baby weight off, affects my children.

I know I talk about it too much, and I especially talk about it too much in front of Kate. But she is always there, always listening. Which means I have to change.

Can I do it?

I have to. My beautiful daughter was excited that she lost 3 pounds. And when you are 5'5 and weigh 120 pounds, you should not be excited about losing any weight.

That is my fault. And I am embarassed and ashamed. And I obviously have some work to do.
Not just for her, but for myself. I admittedly place a lot of importance on my health and how I look.

And I truly just want to not hurt. But by vocalizing it, talking about it, obsessing about it, I'm hurting others that I care about so deeply that I would do anything to fix it.

I'm going to fix this. I'm going to change.

I have to.

2 comments:

  1. Aubrey (8) told me, "How many points is this? I'm doing Weight Watchers." You know, Aubrey -- my little blonde who is a waif...

    Don't beat yourself up over this. Today is a new day with new challenges. We do the best we can. :)

    And I am SO very sorry to hear about sweet Kate. If she's looking for company (and is not contagious, of course) Laurel would be happy to come over! :)

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  2. I can't stand the new WII fit game. It had my 8yr old boy obsessing about calories burned and how he needed to loose weight. Seriously the kid is about 4'8 and not yet 70 pounds.. He's a tall skinny little bugger and THAT really bothered me...
    Now He understands that that is for people who are doing that "game" to try to get healthier and that kiddo's just need to ignore that part!

    ReplyDelete

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