Change

So I guess it took me a little longer to get back to this blog.

A week and a half ago, a team from HomeMade Simple came to meet us and take a look at the room they would be doing.

I got to meet Wanda, the decorating Maven, and I loved her.

But one thing bothered me. I realized that Wanda was thinner in real life then she looked on t.v.

SO IT'S TRUE! YOU DO LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER ON TV!

Do remember the episode of Friends where everyone was watching old video of Monica and they were amazed at her size, and she said"The camera adds 10 pounds!" and Chandler responded with "How many cameras were ON you?"

Well, that is how I was feeling after meeting her. That if she looked a little heavier on tv, then it would look like I had about 4 or 5 cameras on me, and that people I hadn't seen in a while were going to wonder what happened to me.

So I felt a little freaked out, and somewhere deep inside of me, my bulimic monster started yelling and screaming, trying to convince me that I could lose weight faster if I just purged everything.

Well first of all, that monster is stupid. And he needs to stay in the cave. (I don't know why my monster is a guy, well, yes I do, but that's another post entirely. )

And I have had to talk myself down. I have reminded myself that TLC wanted us on the show without issuing any demands that I lose weight.

I have reminded myself that I am not 18 anymore and this body has brought a lot of kids into the world.

Plus, something interesting happened this last week that really brought my obsessions into focus.

Kate has been really sick. She started off with strep throat. But the antibiotics, we think, gave her horrible hives. So they switched her to a different family of antibiotics. Well, after 5 days, she still wasn't better and she still had hives so I took her in on Sunday.

Well, now she has an ear infection and pneumonia on top of everything else. So the antibiotics were not really doing their job.

But what really worried me was that she lost 3 pounds in the 5 days between doctor's visits. Simply because she has not felt good enough to eat.

But on the car ride home from the doctor, as we talked about everything, I said "You're super sick and you lost 3 pounds Kate" and immediately she said, "I know, isn't that awesome?"

What?! Crap, crap, crap.

I told her that no, that wasn't awesome, that she shouldn't be losing weight, that where she is at is exactly where she should be.

And then we had a long talk about mom's obsessing with their weight. And how I have set a bad example, without realizing it. And I apologized.

Who knows if it was enough damage control. But it was really eye opening to me.

And I realize now, that how I feel about myself affects more than just me. And that even "harmless" worrying about getting the baby weight off, affects my children.

I know I talk about it too much, and I especially talk about it too much in front of Kate. But she is always there, always listening. Which means I have to change.

Can I do it?

I have to. My beautiful daughter was excited that she lost 3 pounds. And when you are 5'5 and weigh 120 pounds, you should not be excited about losing any weight.

That is my fault. And I am embarassed and ashamed. And I obviously have some work to do.
Not just for her, but for myself. I admittedly place a lot of importance on my health and how I look.

And I truly just want to not hurt. But by vocalizing it, talking about it, obsessing about it, I'm hurting others that I care about so deeply that I would do anything to fix it.

I'm going to fix this. I'm going to change.

I have to.

I have been avoiding writing anything for this blog.

I have been mired in self pity that mostly has nothing to do with weight loss or how I look.

Financially things have been excessively difficult this past 2 years.

It was eased tremendously with me babysitting my darling neighbor girl, whom I love.

But after A TON of prayer, I knew I had to stop babysitting and give my time to my own children.

Even after I told my friend that I wouldn't be babysitting after June, I still went back to Heavenly Father, repeatedly, to ask him if I was really doing the right thing.

It didn't make sense to me that I should stop babysitting when we needed the money.

But, I also know that the Lord knows better then I do what is best for me and my family.

I will say that Nora is entering a phase of lots of screaming and throwing fits that has been grating on my nerves. So if nothing else, she seems to need me more lately.

So, I havent' wanted to post and discuss my lack of weight loss.

But, I rejoined weight watchers, and I have lost 7.6 pounds.

So, that is exciting. It helps that TLC will be filming us in less then 6 weeks. It's super motivating. So I've been exercising my hind end off, and really trying to eat better.

So I think I'm back now. Ready to discuss how life throws things at us, lack of money, lack of willpower, and sometimes just being too tired to fight anymore.

For tomorrow, overcoming the desire to throw up. Seriously.