Product Review

Ok, so there is this product called Ideal. I found it at our local Safeway.

It is made from xylitol, a plant derived product, not a chemically derived one.

It tastes like sugar, better than Splenda, waaay better than Stevia (which I find bitter).

You can replace sugar cup for cup in recipes with this stuff, and.....

it helps prevent cavities. No joke. It's why dentists recommend Trident. It's got xylitol in it.

No kidding.

It's kind of pricey at 6 bucks for a not so big bag. But I feel like it helps me to have some of the things I want without all the extra sugar.

If you go to the Idea website, you can print off a $1 off coupon, too.

Just FYI.

No starch/sugar sucks.

For three reasons.

Reason one: It makes me light headed.

Reason two: I'm bored with what I have to eat.

Reason three: I lost no weight.

So, forget it. Jeff and I already did forget about it. It was a great weekend.

I thought a contest would work for me. But, my body didn't like this one.

Or my mind.

Or my tastebuds.

I know I sound wishy washy and confused, but I'm really not.

I had some real moments of clarity this weekend. Some ephiphanies and personal break throughs.

I realized why I have been having a hard time losing weight. It is because I am really not unhappy with how I look. Yes, I would like to be thinner, but I don't detest myself. And so wanting to look good has not been enough of a motivation for me to really dig in.

But lately, I have been reading the You series by Doctors Oz and Rozin. (thanks Aunt Cathy!)

I am learning how my body functions, how it works, what's best for it and that beyond any physical beauty, extra weight spells trouble for our quality of life, our longevity and our health in general.

And something about that has really rung true for me. So I realized, that I haven't lost weight because looking hot, when I am a 36 year old mother of 6, isn't nearly as important to me as feeling good.

I went on the rope swing this weekend with my family at the Ranch we stayed at. I only went on once because it hurt. My arms hurt, my rump hurt, and my ankle hurt when I landed. And all of those things would not hurt at all, or hurt a lot less with 50 less pounds on me.

And those are the real things I want to change. I'm actually pretty fit. I can run, I can hike, I can play kick ball and jump on the trampoline without getting winded. I just can't do those things without my joints hurting.

So I am much much more content with who I am, with how I look, with knowing that my husband truly thinks I'm hot no matter what I weigh. And that is amazing for me, you have no idea.

It's amazing because I spent 17 years with an eating disorder. In fact, I think I will always consider myself Bulimic. Just as recovered alcoholics always say they are an alcoholic. Because it has been a part of my life for so long.

So to look at weight loss as a way to feel good physically, to have it truly be for my health, is so miraculous for someone with my tendencies toward wanting perfection and expecting it of myself, that I can't even begin to describe how great this is.

One more break through from this weekend, and then I'll let you get on with your day.

I realized that I punish myself for the things I enjoy. I feel bad for the things I like, as if I am bad for wanting them, or for not finding a way to not want them.

Things like food. Yes, I feel guilty for wanting a treat, or wanting a big fat steak with potato. As if I have commited a major error just by wanting it. And oh man, if I actually eat one of those things, then what a complete and total failure I am!

The same with shopping and clothes. I love to shop. I absolutely love it. I love clothes, I love buying clothes. I love makeup and getting my hair done and feeling pretty. And I beat myself up for wanting these things, because somewhere along the line I decided that made me petty, or selfish. But just wanting it doesn't make me any of those things. Not buying food or getting my children what they need in order to feed this love, well, that would be selfish and petty.

And sex. Yes, I said it. I like sex. But for YEARS, I have held myself back with my beloved Jeff because I felt guilty for liking it. I felt guilty for enjoying intimacy with MY HUSBAND! How messed up is that?

If I spend too much time on decorating or reading or blogging or talking with my neighbors, I feel badly about that, as if I could be spending my time better doing other things.

All these things are good, healthy, they keep me well rounded, and in moderation they keep me sane and bless my family.

I've been so obsessed with denying myself the pleasure of really enjoying everything. Of enjoying life, because in my head I'm always thinking that I am wrong for wanting any of it.

And all I accomplished was to only be half of who I am. My family enjoys me a lot more when I'm happy. When I'm happy I enjoy serving them more and taking care of them. I don't believe in putting myself first all the time. But I am learning that enjoying the things that I am good at and that make me happy are not wrong.

I don't know what it was about this weekend. I just know I have a loving Heavenly Father to thank for these moments of clarity. Because it came from nowhere, unlooked for. But He knew I needed this so that I can move on and move past all these negative feelings that have kept me from reaching towards my potential-as a daughter of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, daughter and friend.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I. AM. HAPPY.