Change

So I guess it took me a little longer to get back to this blog.

A week and a half ago, a team from HomeMade Simple came to meet us and take a look at the room they would be doing.

I got to meet Wanda, the decorating Maven, and I loved her.

But one thing bothered me. I realized that Wanda was thinner in real life then she looked on t.v.

SO IT'S TRUE! YOU DO LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER ON TV!

Do remember the episode of Friends where everyone was watching old video of Monica and they were amazed at her size, and she said"The camera adds 10 pounds!" and Chandler responded with "How many cameras were ON you?"

Well, that is how I was feeling after meeting her. That if she looked a little heavier on tv, then it would look like I had about 4 or 5 cameras on me, and that people I hadn't seen in a while were going to wonder what happened to me.

So I felt a little freaked out, and somewhere deep inside of me, my bulimic monster started yelling and screaming, trying to convince me that I could lose weight faster if I just purged everything.

Well first of all, that monster is stupid. And he needs to stay in the cave. (I don't know why my monster is a guy, well, yes I do, but that's another post entirely. )

And I have had to talk myself down. I have reminded myself that TLC wanted us on the show without issuing any demands that I lose weight.

I have reminded myself that I am not 18 anymore and this body has brought a lot of kids into the world.

Plus, something interesting happened this last week that really brought my obsessions into focus.

Kate has been really sick. She started off with strep throat. But the antibiotics, we think, gave her horrible hives. So they switched her to a different family of antibiotics. Well, after 5 days, she still wasn't better and she still had hives so I took her in on Sunday.

Well, now she has an ear infection and pneumonia on top of everything else. So the antibiotics were not really doing their job.

But what really worried me was that she lost 3 pounds in the 5 days between doctor's visits. Simply because she has not felt good enough to eat.

But on the car ride home from the doctor, as we talked about everything, I said "You're super sick and you lost 3 pounds Kate" and immediately she said, "I know, isn't that awesome?"

What?! Crap, crap, crap.

I told her that no, that wasn't awesome, that she shouldn't be losing weight, that where she is at is exactly where she should be.

And then we had a long talk about mom's obsessing with their weight. And how I have set a bad example, without realizing it. And I apologized.

Who knows if it was enough damage control. But it was really eye opening to me.

And I realize now, that how I feel about myself affects more than just me. And that even "harmless" worrying about getting the baby weight off, affects my children.

I know I talk about it too much, and I especially talk about it too much in front of Kate. But she is always there, always listening. Which means I have to change.

Can I do it?

I have to. My beautiful daughter was excited that she lost 3 pounds. And when you are 5'5 and weigh 120 pounds, you should not be excited about losing any weight.

That is my fault. And I am embarassed and ashamed. And I obviously have some work to do.
Not just for her, but for myself. I admittedly place a lot of importance on my health and how I look.

And I truly just want to not hurt. But by vocalizing it, talking about it, obsessing about it, I'm hurting others that I care about so deeply that I would do anything to fix it.

I'm going to fix this. I'm going to change.

I have to.

I have been avoiding writing anything for this blog.

I have been mired in self pity that mostly has nothing to do with weight loss or how I look.

Financially things have been excessively difficult this past 2 years.

It was eased tremendously with me babysitting my darling neighbor girl, whom I love.

But after A TON of prayer, I knew I had to stop babysitting and give my time to my own children.

Even after I told my friend that I wouldn't be babysitting after June, I still went back to Heavenly Father, repeatedly, to ask him if I was really doing the right thing.

It didn't make sense to me that I should stop babysitting when we needed the money.

But, I also know that the Lord knows better then I do what is best for me and my family.

I will say that Nora is entering a phase of lots of screaming and throwing fits that has been grating on my nerves. So if nothing else, she seems to need me more lately.

So, I havent' wanted to post and discuss my lack of weight loss.

But, I rejoined weight watchers, and I have lost 7.6 pounds.

So, that is exciting. It helps that TLC will be filming us in less then 6 weeks. It's super motivating. So I've been exercising my hind end off, and really trying to eat better.

So I think I'm back now. Ready to discuss how life throws things at us, lack of money, lack of willpower, and sometimes just being too tired to fight anymore.

For tomorrow, overcoming the desire to throw up. Seriously.

Product Review

Ok, so there is this product called Ideal. I found it at our local Safeway.

It is made from xylitol, a plant derived product, not a chemically derived one.

It tastes like sugar, better than Splenda, waaay better than Stevia (which I find bitter).

You can replace sugar cup for cup in recipes with this stuff, and.....

it helps prevent cavities. No joke. It's why dentists recommend Trident. It's got xylitol in it.

No kidding.

It's kind of pricey at 6 bucks for a not so big bag. But I feel like it helps me to have some of the things I want without all the extra sugar.

If you go to the Idea website, you can print off a $1 off coupon, too.

Just FYI.

No starch/sugar sucks.

For three reasons.

Reason one: It makes me light headed.

Reason two: I'm bored with what I have to eat.

Reason three: I lost no weight.

So, forget it. Jeff and I already did forget about it. It was a great weekend.

I thought a contest would work for me. But, my body didn't like this one.

Or my mind.

Or my tastebuds.

I know I sound wishy washy and confused, but I'm really not.

I had some real moments of clarity this weekend. Some ephiphanies and personal break throughs.

I realized why I have been having a hard time losing weight. It is because I am really not unhappy with how I look. Yes, I would like to be thinner, but I don't detest myself. And so wanting to look good has not been enough of a motivation for me to really dig in.

But lately, I have been reading the You series by Doctors Oz and Rozin. (thanks Aunt Cathy!)

I am learning how my body functions, how it works, what's best for it and that beyond any physical beauty, extra weight spells trouble for our quality of life, our longevity and our health in general.

And something about that has really rung true for me. So I realized, that I haven't lost weight because looking hot, when I am a 36 year old mother of 6, isn't nearly as important to me as feeling good.

I went on the rope swing this weekend with my family at the Ranch we stayed at. I only went on once because it hurt. My arms hurt, my rump hurt, and my ankle hurt when I landed. And all of those things would not hurt at all, or hurt a lot less with 50 less pounds on me.

And those are the real things I want to change. I'm actually pretty fit. I can run, I can hike, I can play kick ball and jump on the trampoline without getting winded. I just can't do those things without my joints hurting.

So I am much much more content with who I am, with how I look, with knowing that my husband truly thinks I'm hot no matter what I weigh. And that is amazing for me, you have no idea.

It's amazing because I spent 17 years with an eating disorder. In fact, I think I will always consider myself Bulimic. Just as recovered alcoholics always say they are an alcoholic. Because it has been a part of my life for so long.

So to look at weight loss as a way to feel good physically, to have it truly be for my health, is so miraculous for someone with my tendencies toward wanting perfection and expecting it of myself, that I can't even begin to describe how great this is.

One more break through from this weekend, and then I'll let you get on with your day.

I realized that I punish myself for the things I enjoy. I feel bad for the things I like, as if I am bad for wanting them, or for not finding a way to not want them.

Things like food. Yes, I feel guilty for wanting a treat, or wanting a big fat steak with potato. As if I have commited a major error just by wanting it. And oh man, if I actually eat one of those things, then what a complete and total failure I am!

The same with shopping and clothes. I love to shop. I absolutely love it. I love clothes, I love buying clothes. I love makeup and getting my hair done and feeling pretty. And I beat myself up for wanting these things, because somewhere along the line I decided that made me petty, or selfish. But just wanting it doesn't make me any of those things. Not buying food or getting my children what they need in order to feed this love, well, that would be selfish and petty.

And sex. Yes, I said it. I like sex. But for YEARS, I have held myself back with my beloved Jeff because I felt guilty for liking it. I felt guilty for enjoying intimacy with MY HUSBAND! How messed up is that?

If I spend too much time on decorating or reading or blogging or talking with my neighbors, I feel badly about that, as if I could be spending my time better doing other things.

All these things are good, healthy, they keep me well rounded, and in moderation they keep me sane and bless my family.

I've been so obsessed with denying myself the pleasure of really enjoying everything. Of enjoying life, because in my head I'm always thinking that I am wrong for wanting any of it.

And all I accomplished was to only be half of who I am. My family enjoys me a lot more when I'm happy. When I'm happy I enjoy serving them more and taking care of them. I don't believe in putting myself first all the time. But I am learning that enjoying the things that I am good at and that make me happy are not wrong.

I don't know what it was about this weekend. I just know I have a loving Heavenly Father to thank for these moments of clarity. Because it came from nowhere, unlooked for. But He knew I needed this so that I can move on and move past all these negative feelings that have kept me from reaching towards my potential-as a daughter of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, daughter and friend.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I. AM. HAPPY.

Contest

I love a good contest.

And my favorite person to compete with is Jeff. Not so that I can kick his trash, but because I want us both to win. So that means no one can give up, therefore we both win. Make sense?

Probably not.

For example. Last night I convinced Jeff to do a contest with me for 1 month. In the one month time frame of the contest, neither of us will eat starch or sugar. Whoever loses, gets to put the kids to bed all by themselves for one week while the other person channels surfs all by themselves downstairs.

Now, before you say "how in the heck does a person not eat starch or sugar!!" Or "that is too extreme!!!", let me explain.

With Jeff's autoimmune disease, starch becomes an enemy that causes him physical pain. Yet, homemade bread and scones are hard to turn down and so he endures the pain from time to time.

For me sugar is the devil. Especially when combined with butter. Then it is the most dangerous thing on the planet to me. It makes my joints hurt, it makes me hold onto weight like you wouldn't believe, and it calls to me at night, begging me to eat one more cookie.

Some of my hangups are just mental, but some are truly physical. Between an eating disorder that plagued me for years, and now the resultant candida from that eating disorder, I crave carbs and sugars. A lot. The only way to really help myself is to cut it out for a good month or two, which will help get the candida under control as well as my cravings, and hopefully it will help me on my way to looking smokin' for the cameras.

So although I can eat starch, it's harder for Jeff when I do, and though he can have sugar, it's harder for me when he does. So that's why we're cutting both out. I'm still not sure this makes sense. But it will be fun, and we will do it together so no one will be eating ding dongs or Snickers in front of the other.

And though I wish I just had the plain old ability to do this without a contest, I don't. And in the past my contests with Jeff have lost me about 20 pounds. So it's worth it. And if he doesn't hurt at all, then it's worth it for him. I'm sure in 3 days I will be saying why in the heck did I do this. But one month from now, when my cravings and blood sugar are in control I'm sure I will be glad I did.

Plus, I can eat all the meat, cheese, fruit and vegetables and nuts that I want. And I like those things. I do. So if I can make it past the first week, then I will be just fine.

So does anyone want to share what their Achilles heel is? Butter, sugar, pasta, hamburgers? What is it that you can't live without? And how do you fit it into your life?

I have a hard time with moderation when it comes to baked goods. I'm not a one cookie and then I'm fine type of person. I tend to be all or nothing, and no amount of telling myself I can have it, or that moderation is key, helps me stop after one cookie.

So what are some ways to deal with this? How does a person learn to still have treats in their life without going overboard? Please!!!! Pass on your wisdom. Cuz after this contest that I'm going to win, I will need to have a plan in place to make moderation the key to staying in control.

Maybe one day a week I can eat all the cookies I want? I could maybe do that. Refrain for 6 days and then have fun for one?

Or only have treats before 10 am? I don't know. Help me out here!!!

Thank you??

So...my sister might be on a show. Great. I might be on it with her. Um, great??? Here are my thoughts on the subject.

1. Could be a lot of fun.....if
2. I could learn some cool new skills....if
3. Some big producer might see me and think "She is the next big thing. She will be a star!....if
4. I might get to hang out with a cute carpenter (don't worry, my heart belongs to Scott) and feel kinda cute myself...if

Want to know the if?? If....I could feel good enough about myself so I can relax and have fun. How do I feel good about myself? Unfortunately, I know that losing weight is the number one way for me to feel better about me.

Luckily, being on tv is very very motivating. I guess I should be thanking Amy for the motivation and the opportunity instead of secretly wishing that she had picked someone else so I could have pizza and dessert tonight.

Thank you Amy. I will be thinking of you as I eat my egg whites this morning.


-Maile

From The Inside Out

One of my sweet friends, who is so much smarter than me, has a personal motto that she shared with me years ago.

"You have to give up something good to get something better."

We were huddled up in a freezing cabin while the rest of our Young Women slept down below and we had one of the best conversations of my life, to date. And that's saying something.

I was venting my frustrations with my weight, with my time constraints, with what I was capable of and she calmly took it all in and then offered that little piece of dynamite which literally shook me to the core. As a beautifully thin woman who works incredibly hard for her shape, she let me in on her little secret.

"You have to give up something good to get something better."

She explained to me that when we are faced with two choices, we often see one as good and the other bad, but that's not necessarily the case. For example, sleeping in is good. But setting the alarm for a bit earlier and getting in a good workout, is better. Eating a piece of cake at a birthday party is good. But taking pride in your body and not eating two pieces of cake is better. Laying on the couch to watch a movie with your kids is good. Going for a bike ride is better. Devoting your time and energies to your family is good. Showing them that you value yourself and take time for your own needs is better.

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. We all have choices to make, struggles to meet head on and reasons why we "can't" do something. I spent almost a decade trying to convince myself of why I couldn't eat right. Exercise more. Make better choices. I told myself that I was focused on being the best mom I could.

It took work, real effort, to switch my mindset from being negative to finding the positives. I used to get so frustrated when I'd go out to dinner with my husband or girlfriends. I would wine and complain because what I wanted to eat wasn't the same as what I should eat and I would focus all my energy into why life wasn't fair and how I just wanted to be thin. And I forgot to celebrate that going out was the treat, not the food. Being with my husband is what made the night special, not the menu. Chatting the night away with girlfriends is what I was really craving and not the calorie-laden foods.

And after awhile, I got it. And I started to lose weight.

This isn't to say that on some Friday nights you can't find me at Red Robin munching away on a Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap and fries. Or that if I'm at the movies, I don't have a a pack of Reese's Pieces to munch on. I still eat the foods I've always eaten. In moderation. And because I occasionally snack on the things I love, those foods no longer have power over me.

I still have to make choices every. single. day. I still want chocolate after every meal. I still wish that cheesecake were good for you. But this? The pride I feel in my body? The sound of the alarm at 5:20 every morning? The results I've seen since I started making the effort? Knowing that I'm taking care of myself so that I really can be the best for my family?

Is better.