I have been on an epic journey. One to discover why my body is so weird and won't listen to me anymore.
Poor Maile has heard all about it, so she is excused from reading this:)
But for the rest of you, dig in. It will be a little while.
Everything started after Nora. It started with messed up cycles, breakouts and difficulty losing weight.
Now a lot of people claim it's hard to lose weight. I've never been one of them. If I had a hard time losing weight it was because I was eating too much. And I knew it. The slowness of the scale was all about me, not about what my body could or couldn't do.
But that changed after Nora was born. I would cut out everything "bad", reduce my calories, I would lose weight. But if I strayed from the 1500 calories for too long of a period and ate the normal american diet of 2000, while still exercising, the weight would come back on. Quickly. It soon became my new normal to lose 10 pounds and then have it come right back. That had NEVER happened to me before.
Then the depression started. Was I depressed because I couldn't lose weight? Or was the depression part of a bigger problem?
Then the pain started. Joint pain, leg pain, back pain, neck pain, pain in my feet and ankles, elbows and thumbs.
Arthritis maybe? Nope.
Then the fatigue decided to join in. It got to where I could go to bed at 9 and still barely be able to get out of bed at 7:30. Which is NOT normal for me. I've always been able to stay up late and get up early, if I had to. I didn't like it, but I could do it.
So I began a journey. My regular doctor decided I needed to try pill after pill, and offered very little in the way of wisdom or answers. So I began to earnestly pray about this. I was starting to feel so overwhelmed with the fatigue, pain and sadness that became a constant companion. I whined to Maile and Jeff, but tried very hard to not let on to anyone else. Who wants to hear about that? Nobody.
Originally in December I decided to go Vegan, see if that would help. Being completely vegan didn't help, but it was pivotal in that I realized I really can't have dairy anymore. I found that the dairy increased my pain, and without it? No more stomach aches! I had lived with a constant tummy ache for so long that I didn't even realize it until it was gone.
But I added back meat and everything else, and still felt pretty much the same.
Then came the part where I took my health in my own hands.
After having test after test say that I was "normal", I referred myself to a Endocrinologist. I was able to do this because years ago I was told I had little nodules on my thyroid. This was enough of a diagnosis to get me in the door.
When I talked to the endocrine guy he found a goiter, or enlargement of the thyroid. That combined with my symptoms made him think I might have Hashimoto's disease. Sadly, I was really excited at the thought. Not because I might be diagnosed with a auto-immune disease, but because finally, I might have answers.
Well, they called. Everything looked good, no Hashimoto's. I cried. I was so frustrated. I was tired and exhausted both physically and mentally from trying to figure out my own body!
While reading up about Hashimoto's, I had found several places that stated a gluten free diet benefited people with Hashimoto's. And for some reason, I felt really strongly I should try this anyway. Diagnosis or not.
So I did it. I went gluten free. And you know what? Within 3 days I started feeling like a new person. I was able to jump out of bed after 7hours of sleep. The depression fog I had felt for 3 years lifted as well. And now after 6 weeks of gluten free, I had my first "normal" period in 3 years!
My husband and children have noticed the difference. Quote"Our house is happier and lighter now." Sad. But true.
I also decided to go off corn, since I actually tested positive for a corn allergy. With the two combined, my pain levels decreased even more. And then, are you ready for this? I have gone off diet soda. And miracle of miracles, my pain all but disappears! But dairy and corn are harder for me. I can handle a little pain more than depression and fatigue.
But it gets better. I found a NEW doctor that used a combination of traditional medicine and a more holistic approach.
She did more testing and found that my DHEA levels were super low. For my age they should be around 300, according to this test, and mine were at 75. DHEA helps with hormone balance. Symptoms of DHEA deficiency are fatigue, depression, joint pain, difficulty losing weight,etc. etc.
I have go pick up the supplement she wants me to try. I'm hopeful that this difficulty I have had with losing weight will get better as my hormone levels start to regulate better with the supplement.
Basically what I have found is that for some reason(17 years of bulimia and 6 babies anyone?) my body was really screwed up.
So now I take a bunch of vitamins and supplements, I avoid gluten, dairy, corn and aspertame and I feel tons better. Is life as fun? yes and no. Yes in general, no when it comes to food.
I wish I could report I've lost a ton of weight in the past 6 weeks, but unfortunately I am no intolerant to sugar! ha ha
Anyway, it just goes to show that you have to NOT GIVE UP. Your health is in your hands. No one else will care as much as you do. It may take a while, it may be frustrating but you will figure it out.
I will let you all know how things continue to go. But for me, there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
52
52 pounds. 52 weeks.
Today, thanks to Fast Friday, I made my mark.
A year ago this week I met Tiff in Paris. I had just weaned my last baby and was at my highest weight ever. That made it 8 pounds above my delivery weight, nearly a year after. I always weigh the same at each delivery and that exact same number at the time I wean my babies. My body likes that number apparently.
Nursing makes me fat. That's all there is to say. I am one of those that can't lose a pound while breastfeeding my kids. Truly unfair, if you ask me.
At any rate, a year ago I started on the path to de-size. This is nothing new, I've done it several times. The difference here is that this is my last baby. By now, a year after weaning a child, I have ALWAYS been pregnant again. I lose the weight and have another one. This is the longest I have not been pregnant or nursing in 12 years.
So the challenge was on. It's been slow and painful. It hasn't even been a week at a time. It's been hit and miss, up and down. But I have kept vigilant. I still have 45 pounds I would like to lose. But as of today, on my 52nd week - I've officially lost my 52nd pound.
Today, thanks to Fast Friday, I made my mark.
A year ago this week I met Tiff in Paris. I had just weaned my last baby and was at my highest weight ever. That made it 8 pounds above my delivery weight, nearly a year after. I always weigh the same at each delivery and that exact same number at the time I wean my babies. My body likes that number apparently.
Nursing makes me fat. That's all there is to say. I am one of those that can't lose a pound while breastfeeding my kids. Truly unfair, if you ask me.
At any rate, a year ago I started on the path to de-size. This is nothing new, I've done it several times. The difference here is that this is my last baby. By now, a year after weaning a child, I have ALWAYS been pregnant again. I lose the weight and have another one. This is the longest I have not been pregnant or nursing in 12 years.
So the challenge was on. It's been slow and painful. It hasn't even been a week at a time. It's been hit and miss, up and down. But I have kept vigilant. I still have 45 pounds I would like to lose. But as of today, on my 52nd week - I've officially lost my 52nd pound.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So I have pinpointed dairy as a major culprit in feeling bad. But I wanted to know how meat would affect it. I had some chicken yesterday and I have to be honest, I felt great. I had so much more energy than I've had in a while. Now, what does this mean as far as how I felt after praying? I have to say that Heavenly Father knows me better than myself. I had to eliminate everything in order to mentally be willing to accept not eating dairy. I tend to have an all or nothing personality, and so it was easier mentally for me to eliminate meat and dairy, and then experiment with adding them back in. I still don't want to eat meat all the time, but some chicken or fish here or there will be fine, and good for me I think. And my pain did not increase at all. Just my energy levels.
But it's still an adjustment. I can't accept that I will always be in pain to some degree. I have to believe that my body is in my control. That I can influence and change it for the better.
But it's still an adjustment. I can't accept that I will always be in pain to some degree. I have to believe that my body is in my control. That I can influence and change it for the better.
Friday, January 6, 2012
I have been trying to pin point a start of the pain. My doctor has said that she thinks I could have fibromyalgia. She has not committed to that enough to write it down on my chart however, just enough to give me Cymbalta. And since the arthritis I was so sure I had hasn't shown up on an x-ray I suppose she is probably right.
But I have suspected that it came last year, at the beginning of the summer. My back had felt good for a long time. I had been losing weight, and running and feeling good. My knee had been bothering me, but I felt and still do that it was from a result of too much too soon with running,and being overweight.
We offered a yoga class to the young women at church. I participated having heard what great things yoga can do for you. But I left that night feeling horrible, and my back has hurt every since. And my other unassociated pains started around then. I won't go into a list of my aches and pains, cuz, BORING, so you'll just have to believe me.
But I still had a hard time believing that yoga could have been the trigger until I read this article. I'm not blaming yoga, I realize that I pushed myself too hard just to prove I could do it. And I wasnt' in the best shape. The article I read says that both of those things will make yoga a negative experience.
Fibromyalgia often starts with some sort of trauma, either mental or physical. There is no way to pin point it scientifically. I can only guess. But it seems likely, from my own personal timeline, that this was the start of it.
I now am sticking to walking and the eliptical. Running is out for me now. I'm not sure it will ever be back. And with fibro comes depression. As I told my doc, I wasn't sure if I was depressed because I was in pain, or if the pain was from depression. It's the chicken or the egg thing.
I just know that I have an unexpected journey to go on now. I am learning how much I took my body for granted. Even with a recurring back problem, I felt relatively healthy in most ways. But when your big toe starts hurting when you stand on tip toes to reach for something, or when your wrist gives out as you're taking something out of the oven, or your hips hurt so bad that you walk like a 90 year old woman, you start to realize how much better it was before.
I have faith that I will be healthy again. I am trying to be patient with myself and treat my body gently. But if you know me, you know that patience is not one of my virtues. Oh well. I guess it will be! ha ha.
But I have suspected that it came last year, at the beginning of the summer. My back had felt good for a long time. I had been losing weight, and running and feeling good. My knee had been bothering me, but I felt and still do that it was from a result of too much too soon with running,and being overweight.
We offered a yoga class to the young women at church. I participated having heard what great things yoga can do for you. But I left that night feeling horrible, and my back has hurt every since. And my other unassociated pains started around then. I won't go into a list of my aches and pains, cuz, BORING, so you'll just have to believe me.
But I still had a hard time believing that yoga could have been the trigger until I read this article. I'm not blaming yoga, I realize that I pushed myself too hard just to prove I could do it. And I wasnt' in the best shape. The article I read says that both of those things will make yoga a negative experience.
Fibromyalgia often starts with some sort of trauma, either mental or physical. There is no way to pin point it scientifically. I can only guess. But it seems likely, from my own personal timeline, that this was the start of it.
I now am sticking to walking and the eliptical. Running is out for me now. I'm not sure it will ever be back. And with fibro comes depression. As I told my doc, I wasn't sure if I was depressed because I was in pain, or if the pain was from depression. It's the chicken or the egg thing.
I just know that I have an unexpected journey to go on now. I am learning how much I took my body for granted. Even with a recurring back problem, I felt relatively healthy in most ways. But when your big toe starts hurting when you stand on tip toes to reach for something, or when your wrist gives out as you're taking something out of the oven, or your hips hurt so bad that you walk like a 90 year old woman, you start to realize how much better it was before.
I have faith that I will be healthy again. I am trying to be patient with myself and treat my body gently. But if you know me, you know that patience is not one of my virtues. Oh well. I guess it will be! ha ha.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
You want motivation? Watch the Biggest Loser. Seriously. If these people can do it, then what the heck is my problem?
Oh yeah, it's been excuses. Well, this year is the year of no excuses. It's funny because I didn't know that the Biggest Loser's theme this year was also No Excuses. Imagine that. Not a coincidence I don't think. It's fate.
Oh yeah, it's been excuses. Well, this year is the year of no excuses. It's funny because I didn't know that the Biggest Loser's theme this year was also No Excuses. Imagine that. Not a coincidence I don't think. It's fate.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
One month
It's been a month. A month without meat. A month without cheeseballs, lasagna, and all sorts of good things. And I feel good. I wasn't sure that the vegan diet was doing that much until I ate some dairy last Thursday. I had two cupcakes with buttercream frosting, and then I had cheese pizza for dinner. I don't know why. I think I just wanted to test and see if anything would happen. Well, IT DID! I was so sick Thursday night. Sick to my stomach. Feeling bloated and awful. Then Friday, I hurt so bad. Much worse than normal. And I hurt everywhere. It was not fun. But it was good for me to see what a difference dairy makes. I have not hurt that bad since I started eating mainly vegan. It was quite shocking actually. It goes to show that HEavenly Father knows the answers to all my questions, dilemmas, problems, etc. If I will just listen to the promptings he gives me, and follow them, I will be blessed. And I have been. I just didn't realize how much until I fell off the vegan wagon for a day.
But now I need to take it a step further and follow the other part of my answer to prayer., And that is sugar. I know, right? Sugar is the lifeblood of this gal. I love it, crave it, and rationalize it all the time. But I decided that I am leaving white sugar behind in 2011. 2012 is a sugar free year for me. I will have maple syrup, honey and agave, which I know are types of sugar, but they're natural, and I can't put them in a chocolate chip cookie. And I don't think maple syrup on top of a chocolate cake would do it for me. So a little agave in my smoothie, some raw honey on a piece of bread made from wheat I grind myself, and maple syrup on whole wheat pancakes occasionally, will be ok. But I'm nervous. I asked Jeff if he thought I could go without white sugar for a whole year, and he laughed.
I know. I understand his scepticism. I love treats. It does help that so many have butter and eggs, so I couldn't eat them anyway. I will let you know how this all goes. It would seem to many that I have taken the fun out of eating. But I look at it more like, I have found a way to help my body feel it's best and not hurt. And believe me, that is worth way more than a cupcake or or piece of cheese pizza.
Happy New Year!
But now I need to take it a step further and follow the other part of my answer to prayer., And that is sugar. I know, right? Sugar is the lifeblood of this gal. I love it, crave it, and rationalize it all the time. But I decided that I am leaving white sugar behind in 2011. 2012 is a sugar free year for me. I will have maple syrup, honey and agave, which I know are types of sugar, but they're natural, and I can't put them in a chocolate chip cookie. And I don't think maple syrup on top of a chocolate cake would do it for me. So a little agave in my smoothie, some raw honey on a piece of bread made from wheat I grind myself, and maple syrup on whole wheat pancakes occasionally, will be ok. But I'm nervous. I asked Jeff if he thought I could go without white sugar for a whole year, and he laughed.
I know. I understand his scepticism. I love treats. It does help that so many have butter and eggs, so I couldn't eat them anyway. I will let you know how this all goes. It would seem to many that I have taken the fun out of eating. But I look at it more like, I have found a way to help my body feel it's best and not hurt. And believe me, that is worth way more than a cupcake or or piece of cheese pizza.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Day 12
I have been eating mainly vegan for 12 days now. I did have a brownie with some frosting, NOT vegan, but it is a work in progress, and it has been the only thing in 12 days.
Because I can't go shopping until tomorrow, I am short on options for food. But smoothies I have had in abundance, and veggie "chicken" patties have been a life saver.
I did finally weigh myself, more out of curiosity than anything, and I've lost 4 pounds. That's a nice bonus, but again, not the reason for any of this.
My biggest challenge is figuring out my part of Christmas dinners. Christmas eve is chinese, I can easily do tofu and rice, Christmas day my little family wants ham, I can just not eat the ham I guess, and then day after Christmas, I don't know what the menu is, but I will just naturally prepare something that I can eat.
I am starting to miss meat a little. Not red meat or pork. The thought of either of those makes me a little nauseous. But some chicken would be nice. I need to try tempeh, I've heard it can be a nice substitute. This is just a whole new world to me. I will get it eventually. It's just a work in progress.
Because I can't go shopping until tomorrow, I am short on options for food. But smoothies I have had in abundance, and veggie "chicken" patties have been a life saver.
I did finally weigh myself, more out of curiosity than anything, and I've lost 4 pounds. That's a nice bonus, but again, not the reason for any of this.
My biggest challenge is figuring out my part of Christmas dinners. Christmas eve is chinese, I can easily do tofu and rice, Christmas day my little family wants ham, I can just not eat the ham I guess, and then day after Christmas, I don't know what the menu is, but I will just naturally prepare something that I can eat.
I am starting to miss meat a little. Not red meat or pork. The thought of either of those makes me a little nauseous. But some chicken would be nice. I need to try tempeh, I've heard it can be a nice substitute. This is just a whole new world to me. I will get it eventually. It's just a work in progress.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Remember when Scott said "You're a Vegan? Is that like a Pegan?" at Kate's blessing?
How long has this thing been around, anyway? My first post? Maybe. I'm not sure.
But I'm Teresa, Amy. And I mainly eat vegetarian.
When we came back to Saudi this year, Peter has just read the Born to Run book, and wanted to eat more like that. Beans, beans, and beans. So I was willing to give it my best. It has now been three months and I bought chicken to cook for my family for the first time since then - yesterday.
Being a vegetarian is very tricky living in the middle east. The produce is about as scary as eating meat; I have no idea what pesticides are used. There aren't regulations. But I do my best.
When I say we eat mainly vegetarian, it means that twice a month or so we eat meat at home. I'm not strict with the kids, and when we travel we eat what we can get. But it's been weird to see how I really don't like the taste of meat anymore. Really. In France I bought a LOT of pork products, because we can't get them here and my family loves them. I ate hardly any. I'll cook it, but a bite or two and I'm out. Even bacon, which I dream of, just doesn't taste like it used to to me.
I bought chicken because my family's favorite meal is a chinese chicken meal, PonPon chicken. I figured they've been SO good about going along with this that they deserve a break. I actually made mine with tofu, which I use quite often. (when I can find it! I bought all they had last time it was in.)
We eat a lot of lentils, beans, veggies, etc. I found a great (vegan actually) replacement product for ground pork. It's all they had here. (and it's gone now - and I used my last box, sad) But I put that in lasagne sometimes. Or I make stuffed shells with a really chunky veggie sauce of zuchinni, cauliflower, onions, carrots tomatoes. The kids haven't hardly said a word. At first they did though. But we explained more about our feelings of the word of wisom, and then the effects of huge animal farms on the environment, etc. They understood, and we move on.
Now I'll be honest. I have NO IDEA how you do vegan though. Cheese and dairy are my go to. A big reason for this is due to nut allergies, we can't get protien from there because of Simon. I guess I could try it, but I don't think I could feed my family that way yet.
Anyway. Good for you. I understand not telling anyone. I haven't told anyone. No one. It's a personal choice. And when we're with others, or there is nothing else to eat, we eat as little meat as we can. I don't want this to be a burden on others, because of a choice we made. One time we had the missionaries to dinner is Orem, ONCE, because you just can't get them there. I tell my kids you have to try everything, because you have to eat what you're served on your mission. Well, this one missionary sits down to a giant pan of lasagne. Homemade, like 20 pounds. Beef, pork and cheese. He looks at me and says, "I don't eat red meat." I could have strangled him. Really. First of all, you should have told us in advance. Put it on the calendar they pass around or something. Second, when someone offers something - you eat it. Third, nice way to be a crappy example to my kids! He asked if I had any chicken or anything. Allergies are one thing. Outright preference is another.
So we are flexible vegetarians. There, that's a good way to sum up how we live. We had turkey on Thanksgiving, the only meat since France. Who knows which way we will go from here. It's hard to eat healthy with such few options here. The only whole wheat pasta I can get is rigatoni. So for lasagne I make a layered bake. I make indian dahl with brown rice, and we all love it. Canned beans are our friends - I need to learn how to cook more with beans.
Anyway. Best of luck to you. Peter has lost nearly 20 pounds since this adventure, and I've lost 14. Not just eating this way, but making an effort to make better choices and live a healthier life all the way around. Good luck!
But I'm Teresa, Amy. And I mainly eat vegetarian.
When we came back to Saudi this year, Peter has just read the Born to Run book, and wanted to eat more like that. Beans, beans, and beans. So I was willing to give it my best. It has now been three months and I bought chicken to cook for my family for the first time since then - yesterday.
Being a vegetarian is very tricky living in the middle east. The produce is about as scary as eating meat; I have no idea what pesticides are used. There aren't regulations. But I do my best.
When I say we eat mainly vegetarian, it means that twice a month or so we eat meat at home. I'm not strict with the kids, and when we travel we eat what we can get. But it's been weird to see how I really don't like the taste of meat anymore. Really. In France I bought a LOT of pork products, because we can't get them here and my family loves them. I ate hardly any. I'll cook it, but a bite or two and I'm out. Even bacon, which I dream of, just doesn't taste like it used to to me.
I bought chicken because my family's favorite meal is a chinese chicken meal, PonPon chicken. I figured they've been SO good about going along with this that they deserve a break. I actually made mine with tofu, which I use quite often. (when I can find it! I bought all they had last time it was in.)
We eat a lot of lentils, beans, veggies, etc. I found a great (vegan actually) replacement product for ground pork. It's all they had here. (and it's gone now - and I used my last box, sad) But I put that in lasagne sometimes. Or I make stuffed shells with a really chunky veggie sauce of zuchinni, cauliflower, onions, carrots tomatoes. The kids haven't hardly said a word. At first they did though. But we explained more about our feelings of the word of wisom, and then the effects of huge animal farms on the environment, etc. They understood, and we move on.
Now I'll be honest. I have NO IDEA how you do vegan though. Cheese and dairy are my go to. A big reason for this is due to nut allergies, we can't get protien from there because of Simon. I guess I could try it, but I don't think I could feed my family that way yet.
Anyway. Good for you. I understand not telling anyone. I haven't told anyone. No one. It's a personal choice. And when we're with others, or there is nothing else to eat, we eat as little meat as we can. I don't want this to be a burden on others, because of a choice we made. One time we had the missionaries to dinner is Orem, ONCE, because you just can't get them there. I tell my kids you have to try everything, because you have to eat what you're served on your mission. Well, this one missionary sits down to a giant pan of lasagne. Homemade, like 20 pounds. Beef, pork and cheese. He looks at me and says, "I don't eat red meat." I could have strangled him. Really. First of all, you should have told us in advance. Put it on the calendar they pass around or something. Second, when someone offers something - you eat it. Third, nice way to be a crappy example to my kids! He asked if I had any chicken or anything. Allergies are one thing. Outright preference is another.
So we are flexible vegetarians. There, that's a good way to sum up how we live. We had turkey on Thanksgiving, the only meat since France. Who knows which way we will go from here. It's hard to eat healthy with such few options here. The only whole wheat pasta I can get is rigatoni. So for lasagne I make a layered bake. I make indian dahl with brown rice, and we all love it. Canned beans are our friends - I need to learn how to cook more with beans.
Anyway. Best of luck to you. Peter has lost nearly 20 pounds since this adventure, and I've lost 14. Not just eating this way, but making an effort to make better choices and live a healthier life all the way around. Good luck!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Have you hugged your vegan today?
So, I've had some personal revelation concerning my diet. It has come about, not because of a desire to lose weight, but because of a desire to be healthy and well and to not hurt anymore. I want to ween myself off of the medication I'm on, and to feel whole.
With a lot of prayer, I came to the distinct feeling that I should eat a vegan diet. I know, right?!!! I initially was extremely nervous about such a thing, as I have been a dairy/meat eater my whole life. But after a priesthood blessing from Jeff, I felt strengthened and filled with the knowledge that this was the right direction for me, and that I would be successful and find relief from my pain. My desire to keep this private has kept me from telling anyone but Maile. But I felt safe here since only about 4 people read this, and I trust all of you.
Why would I keep this private? Oh, because of the many ideas people have about vegan stuff. It is tainted with ideas of hippies, animal rights activists, and such. I have no problem with animals being used as food. Or of the wearing of leather shoes. None of my decision to do this had to do with any of that. It is purely for health. So how has it been so far? Well, I am on day 7. And the first thing I noticed was that I can breathe through both of my nostrils freely. My left side has been slightly stuffy for years now. But around day 3 I noticed I could breathe through it even with the right side plugged. I used to joke to myself that I would suffocated if anyone clamped the right side of my nose shut. But no more!
As far as pain, it is too soon to tell. Plus I am still taking Cymbalta. But I feel that in a month I will have a better indication of what the outcome will be. It is important to say that I am also not eating processed sugar or grains either. It seems silly to omit animal products and to eat so many fruits and vegetables and legumes, only to put sugar on my cereal or have white bread for lunch.
And weight loss? I have no idea. I am not weighing myself yet. I am giving my body time to adjust to the changes. I can say that my clothes feel looser, but that may just be because of water at this point.
I feel sharper mentally, and I am not as tired. Those are some immediate benefits. Now I am not saying everyone should do this. I am only telling what I'm doing, and how it's making me feel. I do feel that it falls more in line with the Word of Wisdom, but that is my own feelings on it. Jeff doesn't necessarily agree with me on that point. And that is ok.
I am trying to get used to thinking of myself as a vegan. It is a weird thing, and I shy away from it still. But then I go back to the confirmation I had that this will be good for my body, and I again try and say, "I'm a vegan."
I don't want to say it's only been a week, things could change. I don't want it to change. Maybe I will say instead, that I try and stick mainly to a vegan diet. That feels better. Because I'm not vegan because of a moral viewpoint, so strictness is not really the goal. It's a general attitude towards healing my body and feeling better.
Ok, so what have I been eating? That's what Jeff wanted to know. Is it all salads? No way man.
For breakfast today I had a smoothie that had cherries, strawberries, bananas, celery, spinach and carrots. Henry, Nora and Anne Marie had it too and loved it. I have some sprouted grain toast with smart balance and raw honey on it. Super good!
For lunch yesterday I had a veggie pizza, minus cheese. Super yummy as well. It had sweet garlic and artichoke on it.
For dinner the night before I had thai peanut tofu, and coconut jasmine rice. I made it at home. Yummy!
I've also made eggplant parmesan, minus the parmesan. That was not a hit with the family. I still am learning, so my eggplant was underdone. But it will get better.
People wonder about protein. Well, beans and tofu have protein, but so do fruits and vegetables. If you eat enough of them you don't need a lot of extra protein. If all I ate was bread and cereal every day, then yes I might be missing some protein. But I have whole grain wraps with wild rice and beans and lots of veggies on them. And they're good!
I actually haven't had one salad by itself for a meal yet. I've had it as a side. But I really don't feel that I'm missing out on anything. I even made cookies. Some of my kids liked them, and some prefer not to have pureed beans in place of their butter. But that's ok. I will still make them regular cookies and dinners. I'm not forcing this on my family either. If they want what I'm eating, then I will happily share.
Anyway, that is it. I have had quite a journey in my adulthood at finding a balance with food in my life. This feels the closest to ideal for me of anything I've tried. I've never loved meat. I've eaten it, but in the past 10 years, mostly out of guilt because I was told I should have certain amounts of protein. I like chicken or hamburger occasionally, but I didn't start to eat meat on even a weekly basis until I married Jeff. Growing up we had meat with every meal, but once I started cooking for myself, I ate primarily baked potatoes and salads for dinner. So this feels like me. Even Tosca Reno's eat clean diet has a vegan section. So woohoo! Cuz I do love that gal!
I even hesitate to push publish on this one because I know how I am occasionally viewed. I view myself like that as well. And what is that? Oh, changes her mind, always trying something else, likes new fads, jumps on any ol' bandwagon, always looking for the next thing with food. And that has been true, when it was all about losing weight. But that is not the case currently. Yes, losing weight will be a nice bonus, but I really want freedom from painful elbows, a stiff neck, sore lower back, CONSTANTLY sore/hurting shoulder, achy quads, and knee pain. I have arthritis. I don't know what kind, but I know that it has progressively been getting worse, and unless I want to not be able to walk in 20 years, or to be on a daily regimine of prescription pills, then I have to change what I'm eating.
So there you go. I am Amy, and I try to stick to a mainly vegan diet. The end.
With a lot of prayer, I came to the distinct feeling that I should eat a vegan diet. I know, right?!!! I initially was extremely nervous about such a thing, as I have been a dairy/meat eater my whole life. But after a priesthood blessing from Jeff, I felt strengthened and filled with the knowledge that this was the right direction for me, and that I would be successful and find relief from my pain. My desire to keep this private has kept me from telling anyone but Maile. But I felt safe here since only about 4 people read this, and I trust all of you.
Why would I keep this private? Oh, because of the many ideas people have about vegan stuff. It is tainted with ideas of hippies, animal rights activists, and such. I have no problem with animals being used as food. Or of the wearing of leather shoes. None of my decision to do this had to do with any of that. It is purely for health. So how has it been so far? Well, I am on day 7. And the first thing I noticed was that I can breathe through both of my nostrils freely. My left side has been slightly stuffy for years now. But around day 3 I noticed I could breathe through it even with the right side plugged. I used to joke to myself that I would suffocated if anyone clamped the right side of my nose shut. But no more!
As far as pain, it is too soon to tell. Plus I am still taking Cymbalta. But I feel that in a month I will have a better indication of what the outcome will be. It is important to say that I am also not eating processed sugar or grains either. It seems silly to omit animal products and to eat so many fruits and vegetables and legumes, only to put sugar on my cereal or have white bread for lunch.
And weight loss? I have no idea. I am not weighing myself yet. I am giving my body time to adjust to the changes. I can say that my clothes feel looser, but that may just be because of water at this point.
I feel sharper mentally, and I am not as tired. Those are some immediate benefits. Now I am not saying everyone should do this. I am only telling what I'm doing, and how it's making me feel. I do feel that it falls more in line with the Word of Wisdom, but that is my own feelings on it. Jeff doesn't necessarily agree with me on that point. And that is ok.
I am trying to get used to thinking of myself as a vegan. It is a weird thing, and I shy away from it still. But then I go back to the confirmation I had that this will be good for my body, and I again try and say, "I'm a vegan."
I don't want to say it's only been a week, things could change. I don't want it to change. Maybe I will say instead, that I try and stick mainly to a vegan diet. That feels better. Because I'm not vegan because of a moral viewpoint, so strictness is not really the goal. It's a general attitude towards healing my body and feeling better.
Ok, so what have I been eating? That's what Jeff wanted to know. Is it all salads? No way man.
For breakfast today I had a smoothie that had cherries, strawberries, bananas, celery, spinach and carrots. Henry, Nora and Anne Marie had it too and loved it. I have some sprouted grain toast with smart balance and raw honey on it. Super good!
For lunch yesterday I had a veggie pizza, minus cheese. Super yummy as well. It had sweet garlic and artichoke on it.
For dinner the night before I had thai peanut tofu, and coconut jasmine rice. I made it at home. Yummy!
I've also made eggplant parmesan, minus the parmesan. That was not a hit with the family. I still am learning, so my eggplant was underdone. But it will get better.
People wonder about protein. Well, beans and tofu have protein, but so do fruits and vegetables. If you eat enough of them you don't need a lot of extra protein. If all I ate was bread and cereal every day, then yes I might be missing some protein. But I have whole grain wraps with wild rice and beans and lots of veggies on them. And they're good!
I actually haven't had one salad by itself for a meal yet. I've had it as a side. But I really don't feel that I'm missing out on anything. I even made cookies. Some of my kids liked them, and some prefer not to have pureed beans in place of their butter. But that's ok. I will still make them regular cookies and dinners. I'm not forcing this on my family either. If they want what I'm eating, then I will happily share.
Anyway, that is it. I have had quite a journey in my adulthood at finding a balance with food in my life. This feels the closest to ideal for me of anything I've tried. I've never loved meat. I've eaten it, but in the past 10 years, mostly out of guilt because I was told I should have certain amounts of protein. I like chicken or hamburger occasionally, but I didn't start to eat meat on even a weekly basis until I married Jeff. Growing up we had meat with every meal, but once I started cooking for myself, I ate primarily baked potatoes and salads for dinner. So this feels like me. Even Tosca Reno's eat clean diet has a vegan section. So woohoo! Cuz I do love that gal!
I even hesitate to push publish on this one because I know how I am occasionally viewed. I view myself like that as well. And what is that? Oh, changes her mind, always trying something else, likes new fads, jumps on any ol' bandwagon, always looking for the next thing with food. And that has been true, when it was all about losing weight. But that is not the case currently. Yes, losing weight will be a nice bonus, but I really want freedom from painful elbows, a stiff neck, sore lower back, CONSTANTLY sore/hurting shoulder, achy quads, and knee pain. I have arthritis. I don't know what kind, but I know that it has progressively been getting worse, and unless I want to not be able to walk in 20 years, or to be on a daily regimine of prescription pills, then I have to change what I'm eating.
So there you go. I am Amy, and I try to stick to a mainly vegan diet. The end.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Yesterday was a train wreck of ginormous proportions.
After accidentally (of course) ramming some guys Cadillac Escalade, I went home in hysterics, instead of working out.
Then, I fed my sorrow, literally, for the rest of the day.
Not until the owner of the cadillac called me and said to not worry about the damage, did I settle back into a more happy place where food was not needed to fill me up any longer.
It was a very emotional day. As I stood in the parking lot, crying as I wrote my info down, all I could think were awful insults to myself. Stupid, unattractive, fat, dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was much harder on myself than the kind gentlemen was. Sometimes this ugly perfectionist side of me pops out. I don't aim it at other people, only myself. I should have been perfect and not made the mistake of hitting his car. I should have been skinnier so that when I talked to him I didn't have the added feeling of self conscious-ness. I should have been better with money for the previous 15 years so that I wouldn't be standing there with my crappy van and feeling so poor.
But I am over that today.
I am still embarassed, because that is normal. But I am not beating myself up.
And today, I don't feel the need to feed myself as a form of comfort. Today, food is just food. A source of energy. Nothing more.
Breakfast-rice chex with milk-250
lunch-chicken salad-300
snack-peanut butter toast-250
dinner-chicken and brussel sprouts-300
snack-I don't know yet. Something in the 300 calorie range.
And I'm going on a walk with Henry and Nora because Nora is sick today and I can't take her to the gym babysitting drop off place.
But I'm back tomorrow!
After accidentally (of course) ramming some guys Cadillac Escalade, I went home in hysterics, instead of working out.
Then, I fed my sorrow, literally, for the rest of the day.
Not until the owner of the cadillac called me and said to not worry about the damage, did I settle back into a more happy place where food was not needed to fill me up any longer.
It was a very emotional day. As I stood in the parking lot, crying as I wrote my info down, all I could think were awful insults to myself. Stupid, unattractive, fat, dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was much harder on myself than the kind gentlemen was. Sometimes this ugly perfectionist side of me pops out. I don't aim it at other people, only myself. I should have been perfect and not made the mistake of hitting his car. I should have been skinnier so that when I talked to him I didn't have the added feeling of self conscious-ness. I should have been better with money for the previous 15 years so that I wouldn't be standing there with my crappy van and feeling so poor.
But I am over that today.
I am still embarassed, because that is normal. But I am not beating myself up.
And today, I don't feel the need to feed myself as a form of comfort. Today, food is just food. A source of energy. Nothing more.
Breakfast-rice chex with milk-250
lunch-chicken salad-300
snack-peanut butter toast-250
dinner-chicken and brussel sprouts-300
snack-I don't know yet. Something in the 300 calorie range.
And I'm going on a walk with Henry and Nora because Nora is sick today and I can't take her to the gym babysitting drop off place.
But I'm back tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I'm off to the gym again. I'm going to do weight training today. I'm super nervous because last time I belonged to a gym, I was in waaaay better shape and I actually knew what I was doing. I'm not even sure where to start today, and I hate the thought of wandering around with that lost look on my face. I like to pretend I know what I'm doing, NOT stick out like a sore thumb. But I have to start somewhere right?
So today I'm off to a good start with food, hah!!
I had a peanut butter sandwich, on whole wheat bread, and a cookie for breakfast. Can you say what?!
I guess I'm eating egg whites and oatmeal for lunch to balance it out. I don't know why, that sandwich just looked so dang good. And the cookie? I'm still working on moderation. If I tell myself no for anything fun, I will freak out and eat a whole plate of cookies! So one isn't bad.
Dinner tonight will be grilled chicken and brussel sprouts for me, cuz I love them, yes I do and mashed potatoes for the kids. I think I will have a baked potato with spray butter and seasoning. And some sort of red meat for Jeff. Simple, but low in calories while high in protein and fiber.
Snack will be a smoothie I think, that sounds good. I've been staying in my 1600 calorie range and it feels good.I'm not weighing myself though. I'm just going off how my clothes fit. I have less anxiety this way, and I don't let the weight of the day affect my mood or how I'm eating. It just feels healthier emotionally for me. I may weigh myself once a month, and usually I end up losing more weight that way. You know, keeping that monster at bay requires something different than what normal weight loss experts would tell you. I no longer have an eating disorder for a reason, some of that being I started doing things my way instead of what everything on the internet told me!
Thoughts? Do you weigh yourself? Or not?
So today I'm off to a good start with food, hah!!
I had a peanut butter sandwich, on whole wheat bread, and a cookie for breakfast. Can you say what?!
I guess I'm eating egg whites and oatmeal for lunch to balance it out. I don't know why, that sandwich just looked so dang good. And the cookie? I'm still working on moderation. If I tell myself no for anything fun, I will freak out and eat a whole plate of cookies! So one isn't bad.
Dinner tonight will be grilled chicken and brussel sprouts for me, cuz I love them, yes I do and mashed potatoes for the kids. I think I will have a baked potato with spray butter and seasoning. And some sort of red meat for Jeff. Simple, but low in calories while high in protein and fiber.
Snack will be a smoothie I think, that sounds good. I've been staying in my 1600 calorie range and it feels good.I'm not weighing myself though. I'm just going off how my clothes fit. I have less anxiety this way, and I don't let the weight of the day affect my mood or how I'm eating. It just feels healthier emotionally for me. I may weigh myself once a month, and usually I end up losing more weight that way. You know, keeping that monster at bay requires something different than what normal weight loss experts would tell you. I no longer have an eating disorder for a reason, some of that being I started doing things my way instead of what everything on the internet told me!
Thoughts? Do you weigh yourself? Or not?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
So the weekend with the young men and young women, planning activities for the coming year, turned out well. Both as far as what we got done, and as far as what I ate. I felt very in control, and though I allowed myself a little treat in the form of one treat size Almond Joy, I kept within my range and felt great.
Also, I joined a gym! WOO HOO! I have belonged to a gym in the past, but mostly I have lost weight and got in shape by working out at home, and by pushing kids in the double jogger. But lately, it has become harder for me to exercise with them, than with any of the previous 4. Henry hates the stroller, and asks when we're going home the whole time. Nora is fine, but with Henry not in Kindergarten yet, it's always the two of them. If I try to work out on the treadmill in the garage, the kids come out the whole time and mess with stuff, or they go inside and I worry about them the whole time.
And honestly, I am not getting up at 5 just to exercise in my cold garage. So instead of making excuses, I joined a gym with unlimited babysitting. They only charge 15 dollars for 2 kids unlimited! Pretty awesome.
I just really want to put some focus on this, and the hour by myself will be really nice as well. Plus, Henry and Nora love to play with other kids and other people's toys, so hopefully they will enjoy it as well.
So, today's menu-
1 pancake, 1 piece of bacon, bit of eggs and syrup-350
lunch-pb &j on whole wheat, pretzels, apple-450
snack-cereal-250
dinner-one slice of cheese pizza, garden salad with ranch.-400
snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120
days total-1670
Nutritionally, it was a so so day, but I stayed within my calories, so I feel pretty good about it.
Also, I joined a gym! WOO HOO! I have belonged to a gym in the past, but mostly I have lost weight and got in shape by working out at home, and by pushing kids in the double jogger. But lately, it has become harder for me to exercise with them, than with any of the previous 4. Henry hates the stroller, and asks when we're going home the whole time. Nora is fine, but with Henry not in Kindergarten yet, it's always the two of them. If I try to work out on the treadmill in the garage, the kids come out the whole time and mess with stuff, or they go inside and I worry about them the whole time.
And honestly, I am not getting up at 5 just to exercise in my cold garage. So instead of making excuses, I joined a gym with unlimited babysitting. They only charge 15 dollars for 2 kids unlimited! Pretty awesome.
I just really want to put some focus on this, and the hour by myself will be really nice as well. Plus, Henry and Nora love to play with other kids and other people's toys, so hopefully they will enjoy it as well.
So, today's menu-
1 pancake, 1 piece of bacon, bit of eggs and syrup-350
lunch-pb &j on whole wheat, pretzels, apple-450
snack-cereal-250
dinner-one slice of cheese pizza, garden salad with ranch.-400
snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120
days total-1670
Nutritionally, it was a so so day, but I stayed within my calories, so I feel pretty good about it.
Friday, November 4, 2011
So the girls and I are headed to Cle Elum for a YM/YW planning retreat. It should be fun. But as always in such situations, what is being served is out of my control. So I try and adjust or I bring my own food. I think I will do a little bit of both this time. But for today, I can keep a good thing going and stay within my calorie range, and then prepare for tomorrow what with pancakes and syrup being on the menu. I can hardboil some eggs and bring an apple to go with that. Lunch is sandwiches. Same thing, I will bring my own. Although a peanut butter and jam sandwich on white bread sounds good, it will still be 500 calories but I won't feel filled up by just that. So I'm better off bringing something that has less calories but that is much more filling, like the chicken salad that is so easy to make up. Anyhoo.
Today's Menu
Breakfast-oatmeal and a handful of cereal-400
Lunch-chicken salad with grapes and almonds-350
Snack-apple and peanut butter-250
dinner-chicken sandwich-400
snack-apple-40
Today's Menu
Breakfast-oatmeal and a handful of cereal-400
Lunch-chicken salad with grapes and almonds-350
Snack-apple and peanut butter-250
dinner-chicken sandwich-400
snack-apple-40
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Day two of?
I don't know what to call this. This effort I'm making. I am excited though. I've been having quite a bit of annoying pain that has kept me from exercising. I stopped running thinking things would feel better. But they didn't. And now, without really realizing it, I've slowly stopped going walking on a regular basis as well. And I was so tired every day from not sleeping well. Not sleeping well because I would wake up 4-5 times a night in pain and have to roll over to try and be more comfortable.
But I'm excited because my doc put me on a new medication that has me feeling like a million bucks. It's only been 3 days, but I was able to wake up this morning with my kids, and I stayed up until 10 last night cleaning. I haven't done that in over a year! After the kids got on the bus this morning, I did the dishes and cleaned up and I'm contemplating throwing the kids in the stroller and going on a walk.
This sounds so funny to me, cuz being able to do all those things has always been easy for me. I've always stayed on top of things. And even if it wasn't perfect, it was manageable. The medication I'm on is a anti-depressant that is also used to relieve pain. My doc and I couldn't decide if I was depressed because I was in pain, or if the pain was part of the depression. Some of it isn't. Like my back, which has bothered me for years. And then there is my knees. They would probably feel better if I lost weight. But my muscle aches and shoulder pain seem in a league all their own. So who knows. I just know that the medicine is helping and I feel so happy about it!
So here is my plan for today. I'm trying to give myself breakfast as the meal where I have less than stellar carbs. I figure it will be worked off by the end of the day. But I'm not freaking out either. Maile's doctor told her to just go on a regular diet. No crazy stuff, no low carb, just a regular diet where you watch what you eat and stay within a calorie range. Genius! ha ha So I'm doing that as well. I'm staying within 1600 calories and adding exercise, but not going crazy.
So here is today's menu:
Breakfast:-Rice crispies with banana and almond milk-250
Lunch-Chicken salad with grapes and celery.-350
Snack-hard boiled egg and yogurt-200
Dinner-Burritos, with ground beef, avocado, gluten free wrap, salsa.-500
Snack-apple with peanut butter-250
Oh it feels good to have a plan. And yes Karen-you should post what you're eating here as well. I would love to see what other people dream up for lunch and dinner while staying within their calories/points/whatever.
But I'm excited because my doc put me on a new medication that has me feeling like a million bucks. It's only been 3 days, but I was able to wake up this morning with my kids, and I stayed up until 10 last night cleaning. I haven't done that in over a year! After the kids got on the bus this morning, I did the dishes and cleaned up and I'm contemplating throwing the kids in the stroller and going on a walk.
This sounds so funny to me, cuz being able to do all those things has always been easy for me. I've always stayed on top of things. And even if it wasn't perfect, it was manageable. The medication I'm on is a anti-depressant that is also used to relieve pain. My doc and I couldn't decide if I was depressed because I was in pain, or if the pain was part of the depression. Some of it isn't. Like my back, which has bothered me for years. And then there is my knees. They would probably feel better if I lost weight. But my muscle aches and shoulder pain seem in a league all their own. So who knows. I just know that the medicine is helping and I feel so happy about it!
So here is my plan for today. I'm trying to give myself breakfast as the meal where I have less than stellar carbs. I figure it will be worked off by the end of the day. But I'm not freaking out either. Maile's doctor told her to just go on a regular diet. No crazy stuff, no low carb, just a regular diet where you watch what you eat and stay within a calorie range. Genius! ha ha So I'm doing that as well. I'm staying within 1600 calories and adding exercise, but not going crazy.
So here is today's menu:
Breakfast:-Rice crispies with banana and almond milk-250
Lunch-Chicken salad with grapes and celery.-350
Snack-hard boiled egg and yogurt-200
Dinner-Burritos, with ground beef, avocado, gluten free wrap, salsa.-500
Snack-apple with peanut butter-250
Oh it feels good to have a plan. And yes Karen-you should post what you're eating here as well. I would love to see what other people dream up for lunch and dinner while staying within their calories/points/whatever.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I'm only on here because I need somewhere to log things I eat.
I went to the doctor yesterday and she implied, quite nicely actually, that losing the extra 40 pounds I have would help a bit with back and knee pain.
Ya think?
I mean, I already knew that. But I've been kidding myself into thinking it's not related. And that I look "good enough."
I've done well. I've lost 30 pounds. And then I lost my motivation, somewhere. But having someone else tell me outright that I was overweight, was pretty motivating.
So, for today, I ate or will be eating:
Breakfast:1 cup rice chex with almond milk and a cut up banana.-220
Lunch: grilled chicken sandwich and diet coke-350
Snack-apple slices with almond butter-200
Dinner-homemade fettucine alfredo-600
Snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120
I am doing this. I am. I feel, different today. More motivated. Less sad. It's all good.
I went to the doctor yesterday and she implied, quite nicely actually, that losing the extra 40 pounds I have would help a bit with back and knee pain.
Ya think?
I mean, I already knew that. But I've been kidding myself into thinking it's not related. And that I look "good enough."
I've done well. I've lost 30 pounds. And then I lost my motivation, somewhere. But having someone else tell me outright that I was overweight, was pretty motivating.
So, for today, I ate or will be eating:
Breakfast:1 cup rice chex with almond milk and a cut up banana.-220
Lunch: grilled chicken sandwich and diet coke-350
Snack-apple slices with almond butter-200
Dinner-homemade fettucine alfredo-600
Snack-green bean fries with ketchup-120
I am doing this. I am. I feel, different today. More motivated. Less sad. It's all good.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Change
So I guess it took me a little longer to get back to this blog.
A week and a half ago, a team from HomeMade Simple came to meet us and take a look at the room they would be doing.
I got to meet Wanda, the decorating Maven, and I loved her.
But one thing bothered me. I realized that Wanda was thinner in real life then she looked on t.v.
SO IT'S TRUE! YOU DO LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER ON TV!
Do remember the episode of Friends where everyone was watching old video of Monica and they were amazed at her size, and she said"The camera adds 10 pounds!" and Chandler responded with "How many cameras were ON you?"
Well, that is how I was feeling after meeting her. That if she looked a little heavier on tv, then it would look like I had about 4 or 5 cameras on me, and that people I hadn't seen in a while were going to wonder what happened to me.
So I felt a little freaked out, and somewhere deep inside of me, my bulimic monster started yelling and screaming, trying to convince me that I could lose weight faster if I just purged everything.
Well first of all, that monster is stupid. And he needs to stay in the cave. (I don't know why my monster is a guy, well, yes I do, but that's another post entirely. )
And I have had to talk myself down. I have reminded myself that TLC wanted us on the show without issuing any demands that I lose weight.
I have reminded myself that I am not 18 anymore and this body has brought a lot of kids into the world.
Plus, something interesting happened this last week that really brought my obsessions into focus.
Kate has been really sick. She started off with strep throat. But the antibiotics, we think, gave her horrible hives. So they switched her to a different family of antibiotics. Well, after 5 days, she still wasn't better and she still had hives so I took her in on Sunday.
Well, now she has an ear infection and pneumonia on top of everything else. So the antibiotics were not really doing their job.
But what really worried me was that she lost 3 pounds in the 5 days between doctor's visits. Simply because she has not felt good enough to eat.
But on the car ride home from the doctor, as we talked about everything, I said "You're super sick and you lost 3 pounds Kate" and immediately she said, "I know, isn't that awesome?"
What?! Crap, crap, crap.
I told her that no, that wasn't awesome, that she shouldn't be losing weight, that where she is at is exactly where she should be.
And then we had a long talk about mom's obsessing with their weight. And how I have set a bad example, without realizing it. And I apologized.
Who knows if it was enough damage control. But it was really eye opening to me.
And I realize now, that how I feel about myself affects more than just me. And that even "harmless" worrying about getting the baby weight off, affects my children.
I know I talk about it too much, and I especially talk about it too much in front of Kate. But she is always there, always listening. Which means I have to change.
Can I do it?
I have to. My beautiful daughter was excited that she lost 3 pounds. And when you are 5'5 and weigh 120 pounds, you should not be excited about losing any weight.
That is my fault. And I am embarassed and ashamed. And I obviously have some work to do.
Not just for her, but for myself. I admittedly place a lot of importance on my health and how I look.
And I truly just want to not hurt. But by vocalizing it, talking about it, obsessing about it, I'm hurting others that I care about so deeply that I would do anything to fix it.
I'm going to fix this. I'm going to change.
I have to.
A week and a half ago, a team from HomeMade Simple came to meet us and take a look at the room they would be doing.
I got to meet Wanda, the decorating Maven, and I loved her.
But one thing bothered me. I realized that Wanda was thinner in real life then she looked on t.v.
SO IT'S TRUE! YOU DO LOOK 10 POUNDS HEAVIER ON TV!
Do remember the episode of Friends where everyone was watching old video of Monica and they were amazed at her size, and she said"The camera adds 10 pounds!" and Chandler responded with "How many cameras were ON you?"
Well, that is how I was feeling after meeting her. That if she looked a little heavier on tv, then it would look like I had about 4 or 5 cameras on me, and that people I hadn't seen in a while were going to wonder what happened to me.
So I felt a little freaked out, and somewhere deep inside of me, my bulimic monster started yelling and screaming, trying to convince me that I could lose weight faster if I just purged everything.
Well first of all, that monster is stupid. And he needs to stay in the cave. (I don't know why my monster is a guy, well, yes I do, but that's another post entirely. )
And I have had to talk myself down. I have reminded myself that TLC wanted us on the show without issuing any demands that I lose weight.
I have reminded myself that I am not 18 anymore and this body has brought a lot of kids into the world.
Plus, something interesting happened this last week that really brought my obsessions into focus.
Kate has been really sick. She started off with strep throat. But the antibiotics, we think, gave her horrible hives. So they switched her to a different family of antibiotics. Well, after 5 days, she still wasn't better and she still had hives so I took her in on Sunday.
Well, now she has an ear infection and pneumonia on top of everything else. So the antibiotics were not really doing their job.
But what really worried me was that she lost 3 pounds in the 5 days between doctor's visits. Simply because she has not felt good enough to eat.
But on the car ride home from the doctor, as we talked about everything, I said "You're super sick and you lost 3 pounds Kate" and immediately she said, "I know, isn't that awesome?"
What?! Crap, crap, crap.
I told her that no, that wasn't awesome, that she shouldn't be losing weight, that where she is at is exactly where she should be.
And then we had a long talk about mom's obsessing with their weight. And how I have set a bad example, without realizing it. And I apologized.
Who knows if it was enough damage control. But it was really eye opening to me.
And I realize now, that how I feel about myself affects more than just me. And that even "harmless" worrying about getting the baby weight off, affects my children.
I know I talk about it too much, and I especially talk about it too much in front of Kate. But she is always there, always listening. Which means I have to change.
Can I do it?
I have to. My beautiful daughter was excited that she lost 3 pounds. And when you are 5'5 and weigh 120 pounds, you should not be excited about losing any weight.
That is my fault. And I am embarassed and ashamed. And I obviously have some work to do.
Not just for her, but for myself. I admittedly place a lot of importance on my health and how I look.
And I truly just want to not hurt. But by vocalizing it, talking about it, obsessing about it, I'm hurting others that I care about so deeply that I would do anything to fix it.
I'm going to fix this. I'm going to change.
I have to.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I have been avoiding writing anything for this blog.
I have been mired in self pity that mostly has nothing to do with weight loss or how I look.
Financially things have been excessively difficult this past 2 years.
It was eased tremendously with me babysitting my darling neighbor girl, whom I love.
But after A TON of prayer, I knew I had to stop babysitting and give my time to my own children.
Even after I told my friend that I wouldn't be babysitting after June, I still went back to Heavenly Father, repeatedly, to ask him if I was really doing the right thing.
It didn't make sense to me that I should stop babysitting when we needed the money.
But, I also know that the Lord knows better then I do what is best for me and my family.
I will say that Nora is entering a phase of lots of screaming and throwing fits that has been grating on my nerves. So if nothing else, she seems to need me more lately.
So, I havent' wanted to post and discuss my lack of weight loss.
But, I rejoined weight watchers, and I have lost 7.6 pounds.
So, that is exciting. It helps that TLC will be filming us in less then 6 weeks. It's super motivating. So I've been exercising my hind end off, and really trying to eat better.
So I think I'm back now. Ready to discuss how life throws things at us, lack of money, lack of willpower, and sometimes just being too tired to fight anymore.
For tomorrow, overcoming the desire to throw up. Seriously.
I have been mired in self pity that mostly has nothing to do with weight loss or how I look.
Financially things have been excessively difficult this past 2 years.
It was eased tremendously with me babysitting my darling neighbor girl, whom I love.
But after A TON of prayer, I knew I had to stop babysitting and give my time to my own children.
Even after I told my friend that I wouldn't be babysitting after June, I still went back to Heavenly Father, repeatedly, to ask him if I was really doing the right thing.
It didn't make sense to me that I should stop babysitting when we needed the money.
But, I also know that the Lord knows better then I do what is best for me and my family.
I will say that Nora is entering a phase of lots of screaming and throwing fits that has been grating on my nerves. So if nothing else, she seems to need me more lately.
So, I havent' wanted to post and discuss my lack of weight loss.
But, I rejoined weight watchers, and I have lost 7.6 pounds.
So, that is exciting. It helps that TLC will be filming us in less then 6 weeks. It's super motivating. So I've been exercising my hind end off, and really trying to eat better.
So I think I'm back now. Ready to discuss how life throws things at us, lack of money, lack of willpower, and sometimes just being too tired to fight anymore.
For tomorrow, overcoming the desire to throw up. Seriously.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Product Review
Ok, so there is this product called Ideal. I found it at our local Safeway.
It is made from xylitol, a plant derived product, not a chemically derived one.
It tastes like sugar, better than Splenda, waaay better than Stevia (which I find bitter).
You can replace sugar cup for cup in recipes with this stuff, and.....
it helps prevent cavities. No joke. It's why dentists recommend Trident. It's got xylitol in it.
No kidding.
It's kind of pricey at 6 bucks for a not so big bag. But I feel like it helps me to have some of the things I want without all the extra sugar.
If you go to the Idea website, you can print off a $1 off coupon, too.
If you go to the Idea website, you can print off a $1 off coupon, too.
Just FYI.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
No starch/sugar sucks.
For three reasons.
Reason one: It makes me light headed.
Reason two: I'm bored with what I have to eat.
Reason three: I lost no weight.
So, forget it. Jeff and I already did forget about it. It was a great weekend.
I thought a contest would work for me. But, my body didn't like this one.
Or my mind.
Or my tastebuds.
I know I sound wishy washy and confused, but I'm really not.
I had some real moments of clarity this weekend. Some ephiphanies and personal break throughs.
I realized why I have been having a hard time losing weight. It is because I am really not unhappy with how I look. Yes, I would like to be thinner, but I don't detest myself. And so wanting to look good has not been enough of a motivation for me to really dig in.
But lately, I have been reading the You series by Doctors Oz and Rozin. (thanks Aunt Cathy!)
I am learning how my body functions, how it works, what's best for it and that beyond any physical beauty, extra weight spells trouble for our quality of life, our longevity and our health in general.
And something about that has really rung true for me. So I realized, that I haven't lost weight because looking hot, when I am a 36 year old mother of 6, isn't nearly as important to me as feeling good.
I went on the rope swing this weekend with my family at the Ranch we stayed at. I only went on once because it hurt. My arms hurt, my rump hurt, and my ankle hurt when I landed. And all of those things would not hurt at all, or hurt a lot less with 50 less pounds on me.
And those are the real things I want to change. I'm actually pretty fit. I can run, I can hike, I can play kick ball and jump on the trampoline without getting winded. I just can't do those things without my joints hurting.
So I am much much more content with who I am, with how I look, with knowing that my husband truly thinks I'm hot no matter what I weigh. And that is amazing for me, you have no idea.
It's amazing because I spent 17 years with an eating disorder. In fact, I think I will always consider myself Bulimic. Just as recovered alcoholics always say they are an alcoholic. Because it has been a part of my life for so long.
So to look at weight loss as a way to feel good physically, to have it truly be for my health, is so miraculous for someone with my tendencies toward wanting perfection and expecting it of myself, that I can't even begin to describe how great this is.
One more break through from this weekend, and then I'll let you get on with your day.
I realized that I punish myself for the things I enjoy. I feel bad for the things I like, as if I am bad for wanting them, or for not finding a way to not want them.
Things like food. Yes, I feel guilty for wanting a treat, or wanting a big fat steak with potato. As if I have commited a major error just by wanting it. And oh man, if I actually eat one of those things, then what a complete and total failure I am!
The same with shopping and clothes. I love to shop. I absolutely love it. I love clothes, I love buying clothes. I love makeup and getting my hair done and feeling pretty. And I beat myself up for wanting these things, because somewhere along the line I decided that made me petty, or selfish. But just wanting it doesn't make me any of those things. Not buying food or getting my children what they need in order to feed this love, well, that would be selfish and petty.
And sex. Yes, I said it. I like sex. But for YEARS, I have held myself back with my beloved Jeff because I felt guilty for liking it. I felt guilty for enjoying intimacy with MY HUSBAND! How messed up is that?
If I spend too much time on decorating or reading or blogging or talking with my neighbors, I feel badly about that, as if I could be spending my time better doing other things.
All these things are good, healthy, they keep me well rounded, and in moderation they keep me sane and bless my family.
I've been so obsessed with denying myself the pleasure of really enjoying everything. Of enjoying life, because in my head I'm always thinking that I am wrong for wanting any of it.
And all I accomplished was to only be half of who I am. My family enjoys me a lot more when I'm happy. When I'm happy I enjoy serving them more and taking care of them. I don't believe in putting myself first all the time. But I am learning that enjoying the things that I am good at and that make me happy are not wrong.
I don't know what it was about this weekend. I just know I have a loving Heavenly Father to thank for these moments of clarity. Because it came from nowhere, unlooked for. But He knew I needed this so that I can move on and move past all these negative feelings that have kept me from reaching towards my potential-as a daughter of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, daughter and friend.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I. AM. HAPPY.
Reason one: It makes me light headed.
Reason two: I'm bored with what I have to eat.
Reason three: I lost no weight.
So, forget it. Jeff and I already did forget about it. It was a great weekend.
I thought a contest would work for me. But, my body didn't like this one.
Or my mind.
Or my tastebuds.
I know I sound wishy washy and confused, but I'm really not.
I had some real moments of clarity this weekend. Some ephiphanies and personal break throughs.
I realized why I have been having a hard time losing weight. It is because I am really not unhappy with how I look. Yes, I would like to be thinner, but I don't detest myself. And so wanting to look good has not been enough of a motivation for me to really dig in.
But lately, I have been reading the You series by Doctors Oz and Rozin. (thanks Aunt Cathy!)
I am learning how my body functions, how it works, what's best for it and that beyond any physical beauty, extra weight spells trouble for our quality of life, our longevity and our health in general.
And something about that has really rung true for me. So I realized, that I haven't lost weight because looking hot, when I am a 36 year old mother of 6, isn't nearly as important to me as feeling good.
I went on the rope swing this weekend with my family at the Ranch we stayed at. I only went on once because it hurt. My arms hurt, my rump hurt, and my ankle hurt when I landed. And all of those things would not hurt at all, or hurt a lot less with 50 less pounds on me.
And those are the real things I want to change. I'm actually pretty fit. I can run, I can hike, I can play kick ball and jump on the trampoline without getting winded. I just can't do those things without my joints hurting.
So I am much much more content with who I am, with how I look, with knowing that my husband truly thinks I'm hot no matter what I weigh. And that is amazing for me, you have no idea.
It's amazing because I spent 17 years with an eating disorder. In fact, I think I will always consider myself Bulimic. Just as recovered alcoholics always say they are an alcoholic. Because it has been a part of my life for so long.
So to look at weight loss as a way to feel good physically, to have it truly be for my health, is so miraculous for someone with my tendencies toward wanting perfection and expecting it of myself, that I can't even begin to describe how great this is.
One more break through from this weekend, and then I'll let you get on with your day.
I realized that I punish myself for the things I enjoy. I feel bad for the things I like, as if I am bad for wanting them, or for not finding a way to not want them.
Things like food. Yes, I feel guilty for wanting a treat, or wanting a big fat steak with potato. As if I have commited a major error just by wanting it. And oh man, if I actually eat one of those things, then what a complete and total failure I am!
The same with shopping and clothes. I love to shop. I absolutely love it. I love clothes, I love buying clothes. I love makeup and getting my hair done and feeling pretty. And I beat myself up for wanting these things, because somewhere along the line I decided that made me petty, or selfish. But just wanting it doesn't make me any of those things. Not buying food or getting my children what they need in order to feed this love, well, that would be selfish and petty.
And sex. Yes, I said it. I like sex. But for YEARS, I have held myself back with my beloved Jeff because I felt guilty for liking it. I felt guilty for enjoying intimacy with MY HUSBAND! How messed up is that?
If I spend too much time on decorating or reading or blogging or talking with my neighbors, I feel badly about that, as if I could be spending my time better doing other things.
All these things are good, healthy, they keep me well rounded, and in moderation they keep me sane and bless my family.
I've been so obsessed with denying myself the pleasure of really enjoying everything. Of enjoying life, because in my head I'm always thinking that I am wrong for wanting any of it.
And all I accomplished was to only be half of who I am. My family enjoys me a lot more when I'm happy. When I'm happy I enjoy serving them more and taking care of them. I don't believe in putting myself first all the time. But I am learning that enjoying the things that I am good at and that make me happy are not wrong.
I don't know what it was about this weekend. I just know I have a loving Heavenly Father to thank for these moments of clarity. Because it came from nowhere, unlooked for. But He knew I needed this so that I can move on and move past all these negative feelings that have kept me from reaching towards my potential-as a daughter of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, daughter and friend.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I. AM. HAPPY.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Contest
I love a good contest.
And my favorite person to compete with is Jeff. Not so that I can kick his trash, but because I want us both to win. So that means no one can give up, therefore we both win. Make sense?
Probably not.
For example. Last night I convinced Jeff to do a contest with me for 1 month. In the one month time frame of the contest, neither of us will eat starch or sugar. Whoever loses, gets to put the kids to bed all by themselves for one week while the other person channels surfs all by themselves downstairs.
Now, before you say "how in the heck does a person not eat starch or sugar!!" Or "that is too extreme!!!", let me explain.
With Jeff's autoimmune disease, starch becomes an enemy that causes him physical pain. Yet, homemade bread and scones are hard to turn down and so he endures the pain from time to time.
For me sugar is the devil. Especially when combined with butter. Then it is the most dangerous thing on the planet to me. It makes my joints hurt, it makes me hold onto weight like you wouldn't believe, and it calls to me at night, begging me to eat one more cookie.
Some of my hangups are just mental, but some are truly physical. Between an eating disorder that plagued me for years, and now the resultant candida from that eating disorder, I crave carbs and sugars. A lot. The only way to really help myself is to cut it out for a good month or two, which will help get the candida under control as well as my cravings, and hopefully it will help me on my way to looking smokin' for the cameras.
So although I can eat starch, it's harder for Jeff when I do, and though he can have sugar, it's harder for me when he does. So that's why we're cutting both out. I'm still not sure this makes sense. But it will be fun, and we will do it together so no one will be eating ding dongs or Snickers in front of the other.
And though I wish I just had the plain old ability to do this without a contest, I don't. And in the past my contests with Jeff have lost me about 20 pounds. So it's worth it. And if he doesn't hurt at all, then it's worth it for him. I'm sure in 3 days I will be saying why in the heck did I do this. But one month from now, when my cravings and blood sugar are in control I'm sure I will be glad I did.
Plus, I can eat all the meat, cheese, fruit and vegetables and nuts that I want. And I like those things. I do. So if I can make it past the first week, then I will be just fine.
So does anyone want to share what their Achilles heel is? Butter, sugar, pasta, hamburgers? What is it that you can't live without? And how do you fit it into your life?
I have a hard time with moderation when it comes to baked goods. I'm not a one cookie and then I'm fine type of person. I tend to be all or nothing, and no amount of telling myself I can have it, or that moderation is key, helps me stop after one cookie.
So what are some ways to deal with this? How does a person learn to still have treats in their life without going overboard? Please!!!! Pass on your wisdom. Cuz after this contest that I'm going to win, I will need to have a plan in place to make moderation the key to staying in control.
Maybe one day a week I can eat all the cookies I want? I could maybe do that. Refrain for 6 days and then have fun for one?
Or only have treats before 10 am? I don't know. Help me out here!!!
And my favorite person to compete with is Jeff. Not so that I can kick his trash, but because I want us both to win. So that means no one can give up, therefore we both win. Make sense?
Probably not.
For example. Last night I convinced Jeff to do a contest with me for 1 month. In the one month time frame of the contest, neither of us will eat starch or sugar. Whoever loses, gets to put the kids to bed all by themselves for one week while the other person channels surfs all by themselves downstairs.
Now, before you say "how in the heck does a person not eat starch or sugar!!" Or "that is too extreme!!!", let me explain.
With Jeff's autoimmune disease, starch becomes an enemy that causes him physical pain. Yet, homemade bread and scones are hard to turn down and so he endures the pain from time to time.
For me sugar is the devil. Especially when combined with butter. Then it is the most dangerous thing on the planet to me. It makes my joints hurt, it makes me hold onto weight like you wouldn't believe, and it calls to me at night, begging me to eat one more cookie.
Some of my hangups are just mental, but some are truly physical. Between an eating disorder that plagued me for years, and now the resultant candida from that eating disorder, I crave carbs and sugars. A lot. The only way to really help myself is to cut it out for a good month or two, which will help get the candida under control as well as my cravings, and hopefully it will help me on my way to looking smokin' for the cameras.
So although I can eat starch, it's harder for Jeff when I do, and though he can have sugar, it's harder for me when he does. So that's why we're cutting both out. I'm still not sure this makes sense. But it will be fun, and we will do it together so no one will be eating ding dongs or Snickers in front of the other.
And though I wish I just had the plain old ability to do this without a contest, I don't. And in the past my contests with Jeff have lost me about 20 pounds. So it's worth it. And if he doesn't hurt at all, then it's worth it for him. I'm sure in 3 days I will be saying why in the heck did I do this. But one month from now, when my cravings and blood sugar are in control I'm sure I will be glad I did.
Plus, I can eat all the meat, cheese, fruit and vegetables and nuts that I want. And I like those things. I do. So if I can make it past the first week, then I will be just fine.
So does anyone want to share what their Achilles heel is? Butter, sugar, pasta, hamburgers? What is it that you can't live without? And how do you fit it into your life?
I have a hard time with moderation when it comes to baked goods. I'm not a one cookie and then I'm fine type of person. I tend to be all or nothing, and no amount of telling myself I can have it, or that moderation is key, helps me stop after one cookie.
So what are some ways to deal with this? How does a person learn to still have treats in their life without going overboard? Please!!!! Pass on your wisdom. Cuz after this contest that I'm going to win, I will need to have a plan in place to make moderation the key to staying in control.
Maybe one day a week I can eat all the cookies I want? I could maybe do that. Refrain for 6 days and then have fun for one?
Or only have treats before 10 am? I don't know. Help me out here!!!
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